Monday, October 26, 2009

K...I'm Alive

And I am also starting a new blog...I wanted to start one that wasn't so deeply personal but at the same time didn't want to erase what I had already written here and the comments that everyone left. I am probably going to copy and edit some of my more meaningful blogs from over here to take to over there. Hopefully, I will get that done soon. And still post here for the more personal stuff that I need to get off my chest :) But I wanted to share my new blog with my few but wonderful followers here :

Give me a week or so to really shine :)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Crazy Crazy

Well. Last week I officially redefined a crazy situation. My ex took out one of those Civil Protection orders against me. So, you know, I then have to go to court and defend myself...and basically the judge took one look at me and laughed at him thinking I am a physical threat to him. Also gave her my cell records...just to prove I wasn't the one calling him and hanging up. And he tells the judge
"If she doesn't have this order so that I know she is very far away from me than I am going to have to kill her."

Yes, he said he was going to kill me. In court. In front of a judge, bailiff, deputy sheriff, and probably the dad.

My ex is basically blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING. And I have had no contact with this man since before Thanksgiving other than at court hearings.

So I figure he is trying to make it so that if he kills himself everyone will blame me or if he kills me everyone will blame me. He is not very bright but he is very crazy. And I will honestly say for the first time ever that I am a little frightened.

Monday, July 6, 2009


Had this really good post all ready to be written. It came to me during work. In the last four hours I can not remember what it was about. Sigh. Been one of those weeks already (yea, it's only Monday).

So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.

I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.

I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.

I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....

The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."

And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.

All right, that's all I have for tonight.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I have been thinking about hero's lately. Or at least the people who make a difference. Maybe it has something to do with Micheal Jackson dying and all of the comments and jokes that came after it. My own sister (who is usually the soul of compassion) says "What's the big deal? I'm sure that he did a lot for music and all but someone else would have done it eventually. He was a creep."

Ok, sis. But here is what I have to say about that....

She is right. Someone else might have done it. But Michael Jackson did. Not condoning whatever else went on in his personal or public life...but he did change the sound and face of music. So, yup, someone else could have done it. But he did.

Someone else could have been the one, eventually, to refuse to move to the back of the bus. But Rosa Parks DID it.

The men who signed the Declaration of Independence could have waited longer ...after all, they were committing an act of treason just looking at the thing. Even thinking about independence from English rule was treason. But these men sat in a closed up nasty smelling building. (They couldn't have the windows open because if anyone heard what they were doing they could have been hung) They debated. They argued. They tried to put the people's interest against their own self's. And, then, they signed their own death warrants buy signing the Declaration of Independence. They knew if the colonies lost the war they would be hunted men. But they did it anyway. They didn't pass it on to the next generation to do the dirty work. July 1, 1776 is the day that the first vote was taken on the Declaration of Independence.

It's easy to talk about being a hero. Standing up for what's right or good. But the ones that back up that talk with actions are the ones that are truly the hero's. Even us single parents are hero's in a way. We decided to give the best of ourselves to our children. Even at a huge cost to our lives, we have taken the steps to teach or children that it is okay to be the person that will stand up and say this is not right and I will not live my life like this.

It's a hard thing to do the right thing. It's really hard to make a life altering change. Hard to walk away from a man/woman you once loved because it just isn't right anymore. Hard to refuse to move in the face of prejudice. Hard to sign your own death warrant. Hard to be the person that history remembers and school children talk about for hundreds of years to come. Hard to be the single parent who is struggling because they want only the best for their children.

I would rather be the person doing the right thing for the right reasons and be alone than the person doing the wrong things and be surrounded by others.

Are you KIDDING me?

"Hey lets meet up after work."

Time for a patented blank stare from the BEAN and then she returns to her work like nothing was said. Because, really, what can be said about that without making a scene?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Alice and Wonderland

Which the real title is "Through the Looking Glass" or something like that. All of the fairy tales that I read and my parents read and my own children read are actually watered down versions of the originals. I have an early publication of the Brother's Grimm fairy tales. And let me tell you...The little mermaid does not get price charming. I think she dies. And Snow White? Well, her fate wasn't much better. So when people mention say to me..." You are waiting for a fairy tale." I kind of chuckle and say which one? The real fairy tale or the watered down happy ending Disney version of a fairy tale.

My oldest girl Tate got a "Little Mermaid" nightgown for her birthday. That's what led me down the road of "Do you know what really happened to..."

Of course, I have to play that game in my head, considering my daughters would be traumatised by realizing that little princess' don't always have happy endings waiting for them. They are too young for a realistic view of the world anyway. Tate has enough to deal with considering her father has left her life (for good I think this time).

But why do we ALWAYS have to give happy unrealistic endings to these stories? Everyone does not always end up living happily ever after just because they are princes and princess'. It doesn't show what it really takes to have two people be together and all of the hard work that goes into it. I mean, all the prince has to do is find the chick with the foot that fits in his slipper. Then they kiss and the world is grand.

I have a hard time finding the right mix of reality and imagination to pass on to my daughters. I want them to always want fireworks and happily ever after but at the same time what them to understand that it doesn't just happen. And they won't have me as a real role model because I honestly don't see myself involved with anyone else for a long while. So they WILL see me working hard, going to school, finishing a degree, taking care of the house work, them, and cooking. But they will only see ME doing it. Not me and a partner. So how will they know that it's GOOD and OKAY to share their lives with someone if they don't see ME doing it?

Will they even know HOW to share if all that I teach them is to do it themselves?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Time flying by...

I haven't been able to write for a while. Not only has my computer been crashed and at a friends house awaiting fixing, but I have been so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't put my thoughts into any sort of cohesive shape.

I can honestly say that I had never thought having a house was that much more work. But it has been. I am still finding that stray box or stack of something that needs a place. A picture that needs hung ...that kind of stuff on top of just taking care of it is a little bit tiring. But I am accepting the fact that I can not do everything everyday. But we are getting better at picking up and taking care of a little bit everyday. I am a little annoyed at the number of mosquito's that are around and biting this year.

Still have to see Jeff everyday at work. SIGH. Apparently we are friends again. Apparently he doesn't get it. I could say more about this and I might tomorrow. Why couldn't he stay in the department he was in? He liked it just fine. But no, he had to come to my office. GRRR. He told me that he misses me. I said, what does Renee think about that? (You know. That woman you are LIVING with?) So, he is still an idiot. Nothing changed there.

My little Tate is turning four tomorrow. She is just growing up sooo fast. And Boo is starting the potty training. YIKES.

I have to go to court again tomorrow and do the contempt thing for him not paying child support. Still haven't gotten anything since September...but he swears he has a job. And that if he goes to jail he'll lose his job. Well, news for him, they will make him serve his jail time on his days off. Because, I am sure I will never see a dime of that support. He also wants to get rid of his visitation rights. But that is based on my stopping the child support. Which, I don't believe I could do. But I would almost be willing if it kept that man away from Tate. He has really come unhinged lately and I mean in the screaming yelling, I am afraid to send her over there kind of way. Before it was just that I hated how she came home acting so horrible but now I really fear for her safety.

I will post an update tomorrow. Just so exhausted today.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Ten Commandments

This is a really catty post. I am sure there will be more. There are certain boundaries you should NOT cross after dating someone that you also must work with. It's been a very bad couple of weeks. Hence, my 10 commandments :

1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)

Wow, can I post that at work, do you think? Course, Jeff is so clueless that he probably wouldn't even notice that it was about us. Idiot. Not that I really am upset about what we had being's the way he is acting now. What a freaking mess! UGH.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I've been sitting here thinking. Always a troubling and potentially dangerous activity for me to engage in. Especially when I am so frustrated with myself I could scream.

How do I get myself into these messy situations? Am I really this idiotic? I could have sworn that I was once a fairly intelligent person. But, see, when you make the same mistake more than twice...well, most start to doubt that.

For every bit of intelligent I am there is also that intuitive side of me. I seem to lose my mind occasionally and decide to live. It's like I have two sides to myself that are constantly at war.

One side that is totally rational, easy going, content to live out life doing what I do and just settling for whatever comes my way. And this other wants fairy tale fire works. The whole kitten caboodle. I want to feel the fire! Hell, I want to jump into the fire and dance.

Then...I jump into the fire and dance...and man do I get burned. But do I learn my lesson? NOPE. Just hop out and back in.

I'm SMART! Why do I know better and still STILL run right back. It's the feeling, the craving, for that fire. It's the desire for the fire that makes me refuse to settle "just because I should". It's the wanting to share yourself with someone, really sharing everything, that makes me want more. It's wanting to be comfortable with myself and my place. It's THAT I want most.

Monday, May 18, 2009

How a Bean gets fried

My nickname came to me when I was hanging out with some friends in Wendy's about 11 years ago. We had imbibed a few less than legal things at that time and found it very hilarious to make a nickname up for me. I was the only one without one back then. They tried several out and we laughed for about an hour. Then my sister (being as brilliantly sarcastic as I am) says...
"You shall be the BEAN!"...this is met with blank stares...(not that the eyes weren't already glazed over but even blanker than that)
"Uh, why?" B inquires.
"Because she has so many sides...Jumping bean when she's nervous, Mean Bean when she's mad, Queen Bean when she's in charge, Green bean when she's puking, and Fried Bean (our personal favorite) when , well, she's fried."

And that is how my nickname came to be over some fries dipped in frosty at the old Wendys with four hilarious girlfriends who still to this day (along with the rest of my family) call me BEAN. And that's why I smile when AC comments ...I can add butter bean to my list now :)

Internet FINALLY

Yes, I was gone for a while but the internet is finally back up at my HOUSE :)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Ghosts and Mother's Day

I have a lot of ghosts that haunt me. The flit in and out of my mind and life at odd minutes. Thoughts of things lost and gained. Trying to find the strength to go day to day. Finding the strength and still feeling like I'm lacking. Deep thoughts.

My grammy. I miss her so much. She was the greatest woman. Her husband died really young. My own dad was only nineteen when my grandpa had a massive heart attack and died on the front lawn. Just like that. I never knew him obviously. But I would take her to the cemetery whenever she wanted to go. And she would walk up to his grave and put her hand on his grave stone and whisper "Oh, Jim, why did it have to be this way?" Then she would stand quietly for moment and stare. Straighten up. Then she would say she was finished and ready to go home. And that was all.

To her dying day she never said a bad word about her husband. Even though I am sure she was a little bitter that she had to go to work and support her family without him. Her family came from "old" money. She had never wanted for anything in life growing up. She was strong enough to laugh through the rest of her life. She always had something witty to say for any situation. Anything. And the stories she would tell about her life were classics. Of course, I never really knew what was fact and what was fiction but she always made her point.

I guess it's comforting that I come from that woman's' genes. That strength is probably hardwired into me.

My other grandmother (my maw maw) came from a completely different background. She was the daughter for Sicilian immigrants. They spoke no English at all when they came to America. They scrapped every penny and worked hard in the factories to make a good life in America. My grandfather was an alcoholic that overcame his demons sometime after I was born. But still, my grandmother remembers those times. Less now, I think, that my grandfather is gone, but still she carries those memories. She had seven children, one that died three days after he was born. And, yet, the bitterness of those memories rarely show. She is a little harder than my grammy was. A little more worn by life. But she never questioned that what she did was the right thing. She has never said that she would have rathered have another kind of life. She is the one that gave me this advice "When you marry, marry your best friend."

My own mother was the child of and alcoholic father and an immigrant mother. And Irish man and Sicilian woman came together to create my mother (and yes the temper runs hot in me too at times) :) My mother who married the wrong man for her the first time, the second time, the third time.

She worked two jobs to send us to private schools so that we could have a great education. She would drink milk for breakfast lunch and dinner when there was only enough food for us kids and none for her. She paid the bills and cleaned the house. She loved us enough to keep our bellies full and a roof over our head when it would have been easier to maybe do something else. I would fall asleep when I was little listening to her pounding away on the typewriter keys as she typed out mortgage information late into the night for her second job. My mom never missed a single tennis match, volleyball, baseball, basketball game. She was THERE. We never had a single thing that my friends did. No cable, pizza, fast food, phone in our rooms, only one tv in the house. But what those other kids missed out on...MY MOM WAS THERE.

And through all of my mistakes, my drama, my heartache and my joy...she has been there. She has held my hand, counted out contractions, dried my tears.

These are the women that are my examples. The women that I want my girls to be. The greatest sum of all of the parts. The heartbeat of the family. The drier of tears. The humanity that humanity has lost. I want my children to laugh through the for what they want...hold the hands that need held.

In my girls I see my grammys impishness, my maw maws bs detector, my mothers compassion. Already they are little bits of the best parts. And it's a beautiful mother's day gift to realize that maybe someday one of them will be sitting here adding me to the list of the great women who made them the people they will be....

Saturday, May 2, 2009


One of the attributes of some people that bothers me the most is what I call reformer syndrome. People who stop smoking are suddenly the hardest on the smokers. Stop drinking? Well, drinking if for dummy's. They stop driving gas cars and say we are all killing the environment. Some reformed people just suck.

I got this call from a girl I haven't spoken to in years. Just a friend and we had been close at one time...but children marriage and distance were all factors in us not speaking much anymore. Well, she calls and apparently, she was baptized recently. (Yeah, baptism seems to be a theme in my friends lives right now. You would think there was a sale or something). But she decides to go on and on about the grace of God. Jesus. The Resurrection. Two whole hours. And in this time she starts quoting bible verses. The wrong verses for the wrong points she was trying to make. I had to tell her she was wrong. Really, had to set her straight. Then she says to me...what do you know about the bible? You might have been baptized but have most definitely fallen from grace.

Now at this point I would have normally given up on the conversation and pinched one my kids to get some screaming action so I could politely get off of the phone (and yes, I'm joking about the pinching). But I felt compelled to get her true opinion on the matter. And it basically boiled down to the fact that she believed there would never be anything I could do to redeem myself for having a child out of wedlock. Then I had to remind her that her first two children both had different fathers, so does that mean that she is also unsaveable? She says that she was baptized after the fact so her sins are forgiven. So do I just need to go get re baptized every time I sin? I didn't get it then. I don't get it now...

So here I open to the floor to the various religious beliefs that float around. Anyone have any opinions (not on me personally...but more the subject of baptizism and sins and all that) ?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

THE story

So let me just say that I am pretty much over everything that happened between Jeff and I. I kinda roll my eyes about it and say "well ole girl, you should have listened to yourself...cut him loose the last time". It all really comes down to the fact that I loved the person that he was when we first started dating. I loved the person I knew he could be. But that wasn't the real him anymore and I just didn't want to make the choice between having nothing and just having him around because I had nothing else. Does that make sense? Even though I knew it wasn't going to last, I just rathered have sorta something with someone...just for a little while :) And like I said a million times. He was REALLY good in bed so I overlooked the other stuff for a while. I'm really only writing about this because I want it down somewhere and truly the story is sooo ridiculous. So here is how it all went down. '

We had still been doing our once a week thing and what not. Then about a month ago he started texting me a lot. All of the sudden. And calling and talking. I'm thinking, what's up with this? But I let him just because, well, I was still a little bit in love (or lust) and didn't have anyone else so, shrug.Then I get an email from his GIRLFRIEND!!!! Saying that he had been cheating on her with me and just wanted to warn me about what a loser he was and that they had broken up. Apparently, someone had emailed her to tell her this and then someone got into his email and forwarded her a bunch of emails that we had sent. UMMM they were very uh explicit emails. So I responded that I was sorry, and that I hadn't know about her. Which even though I suspected I didn't know for sure. Jeff never said a word. So I felt a little weird. I didn't tell Jeff about it, don't know why. Well, no, I figured he already knew and wasn't saying anything either. So then she apparently tells him at some point that we had been emailing. And Jeff gets pissed at ME! Doesn't tell me why. Just acts like its all my fault. Because the woman who originally emailed his girlfriend said she was a friend of mine. But based on the info I have it doesn't sound like anyone I know. And added to that...really not my fault anyway. So he gives me this big thing about how he doesn't want to raise kids (well, he REALLY shoulda thought about that a little harder) and just a bunch of bull shit. So I kept pushing at him just to piss him off. Because if he goes away because he's pissed then he'll stay away. If I went away because I was pissed he'd be back. Just the way he operates. So farewell to bad news kinda thing, ya know?

Then last week, I find the bible in my car that I had given him. OKAY? So I text him like you really didn't have to give that back. He replies and renee got baptised together on saturday.were going to be 2gether. im moving in with her. thanks for letting me use the bible....of course, i had to respond like a smart ass because, well, i just had to. it was a shitty thing for him to do and say. so i say, oh. get saved to live in sin. makes sense. well i'll talk to you when that doesn't work out...I get this text that says she is just like me only her kids are older. REALLY! Well that's an excellent reason to be with somebody. Good luck with that. Then I blocked his number from my phone because, if he was moving in with someone else then there was no WAY i was going to play his games anymore.

I know, I was being totally bitchy about it. But really, there are like at least ten other things sitting in his apartment that i'm sure remind him of me that I would have rather had (can you believe that's what bothers me?) But then I realized that the bible had my name on it. HA. So THAT'S why I got it back and not the other stuff. Okay, so that's where the story ends. For the most part at least.

So I sat and thought about it for like a day or so. Originally he cheated on my with her. And she thinks this is going to work? I wonder about that. It just doesn't make any sense. But maybe she is thinking the same thing as I did. That something is better than nothing. Everyone has been asking me for the last to weeks, what's wrong with Jeff? I just say, I don't know, we don't talk. Course, I get these looks, like yeah right.

I wonder what he told her about me to get back in her good graces. Seriously. If I had found out that the guy I was really serious about had been sleeping with someone else the whole time we were supposed to be together...I don't think any excuse would have been good enough. I am sure he made himself the victim. He usually does that. Like, oh i didn't really want to be with her but she just tempted me so much, or she was just nothing to me. I know he always tries to convince himself that we were never together really and so that excuses everything he did. Probably made me out to be some psychotic nymphomaniac. I guess if that's what he needs to do to sleep at night then, okay.

And, they got baptized together? okay, this is where my thoughts led me on that. She said to him that they could be baptized and I would be gone from their lives for good. It's the kind of thing I would have said if I was desperate to forget that the man I loved had been sleeping with someone else. Like washing the taint of someone else from our bodies. I hope the whole thing works out for him, really kinda do. I just wonder if he realizes getting baptized doesn't mean a thing if you are doing it for the wrong reason. Or if you are not being honest with yourself on who you are and want to be.

The other thing I don't think he realizes is that once you cheat on someone, you pay for that forever. She will never trust him. He will be on lockdown for the rest of his life. Nomatter what she tries to tell herself with the baptism thing. It will always be right there in the back of her mind. And everytime they sleep together she will wonder if I am really there in his bed too. He doesn't get that because he has never been cheated on. That's not according to him. But I know how men usually act when they have been cheated on and that is not how he acts at all. And now he is doubly damned because he is moving in with her. Once the glow from being baptized fades I think he is going to have a reality check like no other. And she will too. I feel bad for her. Well, a little, at least. She knows this time what he did and still chose to be with him. I honestly think this is going to get very messy for both of them. But Jeff is a good actor. So maybe not. I'd feel bad if she got hurt again though. I mean, I know how it feels to be cheated on. That's the only reason that I know what will be going through her head. As much as she won't want it too, the thoughts will be there.

Which kinda makes me feel a little bad for him (not much because this is all his fault). I mean, I think I emotionally let him go a long time ago. Accepted that, yeah, I might love him but like the other men I've loved, and still do, that he just wasn't the one for me. He is just too toxic. And now, he is acting holier than thou because of being baptized. Oh, I'm not like that anymore. I got baptized. That's good I guess. Maybe he will stop lying and cheating and making up stories to make himself look better to other people. Maybe he will stop moaning and whining about work.

But here is a secret. When him and his girlfriend were broken up, well, he was happy. Like the old guy I used to know. Not just the way he was treating me, but really happy with life. So, I wonder, if that's what settling down with some mold of what you expect the perfect partner to be...well, I really need to revise my idea of the perfect partner. Course, I'm not going to settle because of guilt or desperation so I probably won't end up like them at all. It took me a couple of weeks to really say goodbye for good to him, in my heart. I mean, he was in my life for three years.

But I feel really good right now. I am moving and looking for a new job. Both stressful things but I feel like I am actually doing something other than sitting here and letting life happen to me. So to wrap this up. I wish the best for Jeff and his girlfriend. I just wish better for myself :)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

On the way to Walgreens

We drive through a neighborhood....
"There's a fat man and a dog mommy." Tate...
"We shouldn't call people fat's mean and might hurt someones feelings." me..
"But mom, he's a man and he is really fat..."Tate...

Now are you supposed to regulate THAT?


Well, yeah, so I guess I'm a fibber too! I have every intention and need to write and yet haven't made the time for it in lets see....a MONTH! With so much happening I'll just write as it comes I guess...

There has been more to the Jeff story and I'll write about that when I am feeling a little more capable of using big words that are almost cuss words but not really. Needless to say...he is officially gone...but the story behind it is so ridiculous that I just HAVE to post it here...and I will...maybe tonight after a drink or two.

The job and hours I have been working have really gotten to me. I used to love my job even though I worked with the drivers and stuff and that could sometimes be a little nauseating. But I felt good about what I did and most days even loved going to work. This thing I have to do now is not a job. It's hell. These new people hate me. Doesn't that sound whiny? Maybe a little dramatic? Nope, the I was seriously told the other day that they hate me and they think I half ass everything. Which I can't really defend myself against because I don't even know WHAT I am supposed to be doing. INSANE! So I am looking for another job obviously. But with everything the way it is right now I don't even know where to start. On top of that this new boss really doesn't want me there and is using every click over my start time as an excuse to fire me. Pleasant, huh? I just want to not show up anymore. It's depressing. And there is absolutely nothing I like about that job right now. No positives at all.

We are getting ready to move to a HOUSE in like a week. I found one that was less expensive than this apartment...I think I wrote about it here...maybe not. But I am excited and nervous. There is sooo much packing to get done. People are seriously going to hate me. I just never get anything packed up like I need to. SIGH.

I thought I was heading for a major depression for about a week there. Kinda hit rock bottom with taking care of the kids and all that. Laundry was piled up to the ceiling. Don't know what happened but I snapped out of it.

Tate is getting to be quite the little smart mouth. She is not intimidated at all by any threats. Any actions. She just says...go ahead. GROAN. She is only four!

Boo is speaking in sentences and trying to potty train herself. Not that I'm not helping her but she has figured out how to take off her diaper and just stands in front of the potty and goes. We are still working on telling mommy so that I can get her on the potty! Well, more I said...I really gotta get the Jeff stuff off my chest...but only after a well deserved glass of wine. :)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I haven't had the time to write for a really long while. I am trying to adjust to this new schedule at work...4am start is killing me when I was used to working at noon! New job with the same company with sooo much stress it's incredible. I think I came home every night the first week and cried. The new supervisors treat me like crap. A simple word that really describes so much of my job right now. So, I am applying at other places and just putting my feelers out right now.

The kiddos are doing really wonderful with the whole schedule change, which is such a blessing. I am missing spending the mornings with them but I get three days off now so we have a good time...

I wish I could write more but I have to be up in four hours!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

It's Been A While

This is one of those jib jab kind of posts that will go everywhere and nowhere...

I have had to take a break from blogging because my thoughts were in complete chaos and my spelling was horrible. The kids were sick...still are...but at least they are sleeping sick now. And momma can breathe.

Against better judgement and all advice I am continuing to take my ex back to court. The last hearing was continued for another month until April. Brilliant. And in the mean time my daughter has no resolution to the "where's my daddy" question. Okay. The entire story is much more complicated than that but there is just the outline. He doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. Well, no. As he told the magistrate..."I love my daughter but I am not putting up with this woman's shit anymore."...Yes, he said that. In a courtroom. Really. I think my eyes were huge. I don't think cussing at the judge wins you any brownie points superhero.

Since my last post I have fallen off the Jeff wagon twice. Sigh. But, I don't really feel bad about it. Maybe I need a sponsor for my JA addiction. :)

And my work schedule has just changed to some crazy hours.

But still, ok. OKAY. I'm okay. Well, no.

Has anyone else contemplated just getting a live in for the sheer convenience of it? Not that I have a perspective partner or anything like that. But this winter has really kicked my skinny little self.

In the middle of that contemplation I realized something. I don't want someone else nosing around in my life. I like my life. Just want a little help once and a while. But maybe I am just wanting too much. I can't picture being with anyone seriously. I just can't. Every time I start to picture my life with someone I think about how my life will change and I don't feel like I have any more to give to another person.

I have had a lot of faith crisis lately. Had to take a few steps back and remember the simple things that REALLY matter.

My mind is very cluttered with the big things, well, with all things. Most people think in lines or even circles...I think in polka dots.

But through the last few weeks I have learned sooo many truths. One, just because you want to make something better for your children, doesn't mean it will happen. Sometimes, my little ones are going to have to be disappointed. They are going to have to live with that. They are going to have my help but they must ultimately learn to heal and move on themselves. Two, my actions are their reactions. They learn everything from me. I am the one person that they rely on to teach them the things in life they will need to have to be happy and well adjusted women (oh, my, my babies are going to be WOMEN someday !).
Three, Even in my lowest, sickest, most depressed sad moment, I still have two lives depending on me and me alone. I cannot fail. I will not fail THEM. I still have the ability to get up and take care of them. For that I am thankful.

Four, God will take care of everything in His own time. I forget that sometimes. I get impatient and frustrated. I forget that my life is on His timeline. I have lessons to learn, joys to experience, hurts to get over. But that is part of His plan for me and my life. I don't know where it leads. But I have to follow my heart and trust in something greater than myself.

I am a firm believer in the fact that you are never given more than you can handle. And, surprisingly, I haven't been given anything that I can't handle. There were times when life brought me to my knees, but I got back up. There were times I was hopeless. When there just didn't seem to be any way out. But, I'll be ...I made it through...stronger...more confident...more stable.

So, when people look at me and say "oh, you're still a puppy...what do you know about...a b c" I just smile. And I think to myself sometimes...If these people only knew. And I am proud that they don't. That I made it through without tearing an obvious bald spot in my head or something. I laugh...I made it.

I am adding this great poem that I have hanging on my wall. Well, one of many. But it really says so much...I like the older American poetry the best by the way.

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.

The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.

Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

Berton Braley

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Valley of Doubt

When some of us feel that God doesn't love us or can't use us...Remember...
Noah was a drunk...Abraham was too old...Isaac was a daydreamer...Jacob was a liar...Leah was ugly...Joseph was abused...Moses had a stuttering problem...Gideon was afraid...Samson had long hair and was a womanizer...Rahab was a prostitute...Jeremiah and Timothy were too young...David had an affair and was a murderer...Elijiah was suicidal...Isaiah preached naked...Jonah ran from God...Naomi was a widow...Job went bankrupt...John the Baptist ate bugs...Peter denied Christ...The disciples fell asleep while praying...Martha worried about everything...The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once...Zaccheus was too small...Paul was too religious...Timothy had an ulcer...and Lazarus was DEAD...We have no excuses when we think God can't use us or love us...besides...we aren't the message just the messengers.

Just a thought.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


I found this and had to laugh...

The Struggle

There is this quote that I live my life by "Don't let the struggle kill the dream". I can't remember the name of the man that stated that but it was something that my pastor quoted in services one week about a year ago. He went on to say that your dream doesn't have to be something completely spectacular...maybe it is something as simple as being able to sit down for a good dinner once a week. But that no matter how big or small your goal is, you can't let the struggle to get there extinguish the desire to have that dream become a reality. Because when you lose sight of that dream or goal it will become a dead dream, a dead goal. And what do you have to hope for or work for if not a dream? That God does not want us to just go day to day without purpose. He created each of us for a certain reason and we all have skills that help fulfill that purpose. The trick is finding out what exactly he wants from you....

I was born deaf...through a few procedures I managed to get the hearing back in my right ear but never in my left. It seems a really small disability to some people, well, people who don't know what it's like. For example, if one of my children is crying for me and I don't know where they are ...I can't hear what direction they are in. Yes, it seems a simple thing, but it's one of those things about myself that I have a hard time accepting. I have coped really well over the years and even my mother forgets sometimes that I can't hear like she does. But, that is ok. I am proud that I have adjusted so well. But still I ask why sometimes. Why can't I be normal?

Then at the store the other day there was this woman just standing there looking lost. She was old but not quite elderly yet. But she had a lot of years and was sooo painfully thin. Anyway, she was just standing there and my kids were fussing but I still went over to her... I mean she looked really confused...I said excuse me a few times and she ignored me and so I stood directly in front of her and she finally noticed me...And she started signing...Sign language...the woman was deaf...I start signing back (because my parents had thought it a good thing for me to learn in case the procedure for my ear ever wore out) and then this woman from the pharmacy comes over to us. She explained that the woman had been there for forty minutes but they couldn't figure out what she needed because no one signs there and the woman's hands were so shaky she couldn't write...Luckily, I was there because the woman was out of her insulin and was about ready to go into shock...She was so relieved to find someone to help her she was in tears....

So, ok, God, I get the message...

There is this movie called "Meet the Robinsons"...I'm sure most parents are familiar with it but the first time I saw it I cried...Keep moving forward...

And so everyday I struggle, thinking I should let my dreams go..that for some reason I am not good enough...that the weight of the bad decisions I've made are going to drown me...And those two little quotes roll through my head...and there is another great line in that movie..."We learn more from our failures than from our success"...And it is soo true. But in the end we just have to look past the insecurities and the letdowns and just keep going toward that dream. To do otherwise would be a waste of our talents and a waste of what God has intended for us.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Ticked Off Post

I haven't really had the time to write at all this past week!!! And last night I thought I would sit down and write a very inspirational post...I still have that post in mind but I have to get the baggage out of the way in this post first. I will warn you that I am VERY irritated at the moment and I will probably drop the f bomb a few times. I might also sound completely irrational and unbalanced. But I think my feelings right now are irrational and not balanced at all so I will just get it out. There is the warning for those with little or no intestinal fortitude for an angry woman on a rant.

So ex husband(Tates father) did NOT show up for the contempt hearing on Tuesday. So they issued a warrant for his arrest. Woopee. Big deal. Not that I don't respect our court systems or anything like that but now I am in the position of knowing that nothing is going to get resolved with the visitation hearing this Thursday...because, guess what, if he shows up he gets arrested. And although he is an ignoramus of the highest degree, he probably has that figured out. He also decided to move and not tell me or the courts where he went to. Brilliant. So, basically, he is in this nice house, which he had to move into with his mother and equally ignorant girlfriend to be able to afford. But still, here I am working my freaking ass off and never getting out of this two bedroom 856 sq ft apt that is in a not so great area. My credit is shot and I had to declare bankruptcy because of all of the debt I was left with from my marriage. And the moronic bum is sitting on his ass waiting for the VA to start paying him disability because he is saying he has ptsd. That's how he gets out of everything...(yes, officer, i beat the shit out of my wife but i fought for our country and am a little stressed out)...

Now I am only talking about my ex not everyone else who has ptsd. And I have a lot of respect for those men and women who have served over seas and all of that. I can only compare what I know to be ex claims whatever disability will get him out of the trouble that he is in. Last year it was a heart condition...before that he told everyone I was cheating on him so that justified what he did...I dunno. And once he gets that disability he won't have to pay support out of it. But he will get extra money for each child that he has. REALLY! Now, my stepfather has been getting disability for ptsd for 15 years. This man fought in Vietnam...saw real war...and yet still managed to have a full time job. Yes, he was an alcoholic and did not always make the best choices while drunk. Not saying he was a stellar guy all of the time, but he did work and pay the bills. My ex did go over to Iraq. However, he never saw any combat. In fact, he was in a zone where he could call everyday. So you understand a little bit about why I am dubious about this current complaint.

And on top of that he is going to sit there and collect my tax dollars and get a credit for a child that he hasn't spoken to or inquired about since before Thanksgiving? And my money is footing the bill for this loser? It just kills me.

Then I get this call from his first ex wife wanting to know why I didn't call and remind him of his court date. SERIOUSLY???? He is a grown ass man #1 and #2 I don't have a phone number for him since they turned off their phone. And I don't have a number for his mother either...even if I wanted to contact that side of the family. And the first ex wife is acting like this is a huge deal to her because poor ex always get the shitty end of the stick. Well, guess what, he puts himself there for the love of pete!!!!

Oh and then this morning there is an email from jeff...just wanting to let me know that the supervisors at work all want in my pants and he doesn't like to hear those comments about me. WHAT? Ok, so I did break down once since the last time but I made it like a week and half this time (for those of you keeping score). So I certainly email him wasn't pretty. Basically said: Oh, I'm sorry, since when do you give a shit? And if it bothers you so much why don't YOU say something? Remember, you don't want to be in my life other than when you want some nooky, you don't want to be a friend, not even a true lover, or a boyfriend, so what right do you have to send me an email acting like what men talk about is my fault or problem? Don't bother me with your stupid men gossip. I put a stop to what I hear so man up and if something bothers you than you should say something. You don't care and you don't want to be a part of my life. So quit acting like you care about me as anything other than a piece of ass. If you think of me as more than that then you should stop playing these idiot little games and say something. Until then, have a good day!

I got a short shitty response back to that one. He is such a baby and can't ever deal with adversity. Such a child. I just woke up saw that and decided that he is from now on going to have to seriously think about what he just lost.

Gee, then my window on my passenger side falls down and that cost me 350.00 to get fixed . Only because it wouldn't stay up at all...

Ok that's all for now...I need to eat.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Talking Booger

"Mom I need a tissue" says Tate from the backseat.
"We are almost home, hun. Get you one in a second." Me
"It's too late mom."Tate
"Why is it too late?"Me
"I ate it." Tate
"Why would you eat a booger?" Me (yea, I really asked THE question)
"Well, it was a talking booger." Tate
"And what did it say?" ME (yea, I couldn't resist)
"It was saying, Eat me Tate, Eat me."
"UMM, Well, we shouldn't listen to everything that talking boogers tell us, Tate."

And folks, I said it with a straight face.

The Snow

There are very few things that irritate me about being a single mom. Aside from the obvious : Taking out the trash in two feet of snow...or taking out the trash period. My dumpster for my complex is around the other side of the building and there is no shortcut. Clearing two feet of snow off of my car. Well, really that wouldn't be so irritating if it hadn't been for the inch of ice that was also on my car. Oh, and then clearing off the sidewalk...which I am sure was the apartment managers responsibility but they couldn't make it to work either. I moved snow with a spatula :) I am the queen of spatula snow removal. But that really sums up the week I've had.

Now my major stress is finishing typing out what kind of visitation schedule I would like Tate's dad to agree to. He has still made no effort to see her or call her since before Thanksgiving. Boo's dad is still taking her regularly so I think I will try to make it so the girls are both gone for visitation at the same times. I just get so worried. I want it to be fair and I sometimes pretend like he gives a crap about his daughter, but in reality, what kind of father doesn't even call on Christmas?

So I am faced with sleepless nights trying to help Tate deal with what her father keeps doing. I am considering doing something like...if he doesn't show up for two visitations in a row then he forfeits his visitation period end of story. That way it is his choice. At first, I just wanted him gone from her life if he was going to treat her this way but then I realized that if I am the one making the choice she will probably hate me for it later. This way I can say "Well, you can ask your father why he stopped coming" ...of course, he will probably blame it on me but she will probably be old enough by then to see through those things. At least, I hope so.

Boo is going through the MINE phase. I have these moments as a mother when they do the most outrageous things and I feel like laughing. Like Boo and her MINE. It's just sooo cute when she scrunches up her little face and says it. But I have to teach her to share and all of that so my face is constantly carrying an expression between laughing and frowning.

I'll post more later...but right now I have to take out the TRASH :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Laundry Night

Yes it is that glorious night every week when I start doing the laundry. Actually I just pretend that Wednesday is the start reality I finish up on Tuesday. So it is actually a mad cycle...but every project has to have a start day. The thing about doing laundry is that it gives me too much time to think. It is one of those mindless tasks that I have been doing for so long that everything is on autopilot at this point. So I sit and think and ponder ...

I made it three whole days saying no to Jeff. It must be like breaking an addiction. I have to slowly wean myself off of the man or the results might be tragic (you know, shakes and convulsions, not pretty). One question, why does the sex have to be so good? Why can't he at least be bad in bed...Sigh

My daughters are the funniest little people ever. Today was hysterical. I work second shift ( or more like 12-8 ish) so we have some time in the morning to goof off and get ready slowly for the day...which is a good thing considering how much coffee I must consume to be human.

This morning my two little angels disappear into their room first off. I hear them giggling and chatting so I figure I am in for some sort of surprise. Next thing I know two little naked bodies come flying down the hallway. COMPLETELY naked. And Boo is NOT potty trained yet. Guess where the story goes now??? As Boo is running she must have caught a draft because she just pees all over the place...and thus my morning goes from slow to "oh crap" ...

So we get that cleaned up and Tate is still naked, of course. Because as she put it "Well, we aren't outside yet mommy" ...ok, I conceded that battle to the three year old. And then, as I am taking my amazingly fast two minute super mommy power wash in the shower...I hear more giggles. OH GREAT.

Yep...Tate had managed to find the ONE marker in the entire house that was not above a five foot level...and draw happy faces all over herself and Boo.

Do you ever just have one of those days where you feel like the kids have won...Lock up and move out now...They win.

Boo walked into the sitters and starts stripping her clothes off to show Miss Betty all of her pretty "HAHA'S" and Tate says, "Mommy said oh crap Miss Betty"
"When did she say that, Tate" asks miss Betty...
"Well right after Boo got naked and peed all over the hall" says Tate...
"And how did Boo get naked, Tate" Miss Betty...
"Well, I did it cause Boo's still a baby but I can take off her clothes and her diaper and put everything back on too...cause I'm a big girl"

Ok, so Tate thinks she is a big girl as in, "I am old enough to be a mom" kinda big girl. So we but heads a lot that girl and me.

But I've never seen such cute happy faces on anything :)

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I watched that movie "The five people you meet in heaven" last night. I have already read the book when it first came out but the movie was ok.

As usual, I started thinking about the concept behind the movie/book. That every life touches another life and so on. And I started thinking about the people that I could/should help or do more for. But I was missing the biggest point of the story. That it is not about the BIG things that you do. It is about the little things that you do everyday that affect the lives of those around you.

My mind wandered to the fact that usually the only smiling face that anyone sees at work is mine. The drivers are worn out and grouchy and there I am with my little smile and encouragement. Well, the best I can give at any rate. My job is at risk too and I won't know for another couple of weeks if I will have a job come March.

But maybe the universe is ready for me to be in another place. Maybe there is somewhere even better for me to be. People whose lives need my touch in what ever little way I can be there for them.

Have you ever thought about all of the lives you touched in a single day...and how your attitude might have affected their lives?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

And now....

For the rest of the story...which has nothing to do with Jeff so I separated it.

The story with Tate...her dad walked out of her life again the weekend before Thanksgiving. We haven't heard a word from him in all of that time. So I decided that after he didn't call her for Christmas ... well, to get a little witchy. Actually, I was irate. He hasn't worked since September. So no child support and I just had to take a 10% pay cut at work. I am down to the nitty gritty over here and then I find out that he is moving with his girlfriend and her children to a nice house ...because he felt the neighborhood they lived in was unsafe for his "second family" ...he has told everyone that is anyone that I am keeping Tate from him. Which I really haven't done because he hasn't shown up and I have just not bothered to push the issue anymore. So I decided to sue him for being in contempt of court for the child support...which I probably won't get anything from but at least I tried. And then to modify the visitation order so that she knows when her dad is coming...and if he can't adhere to the guidelines than he loses visitation. That way there won't be any question of whether he is coming or not.

Tate is only 3 1/2 years old and does not deserve this kind of treatment from him. And actually from what I have heard it's the girlfriend who is jealous of me or something childish like that. So therefor he can't be near me to drop his daughter off...

People, apparently, I am one hot momma if she is threatened by me. Good lord, I wish all of this childish behavior on their part would just stop. Tate deserves to have a father...

I don't feel like I fit into my life anymore. Isn't that odd? There are so many things I want to do and I am having a very hard time organising my life to do them. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am about to buckle. My support system is broken down ... I just want a shoulder to lay my head on. I want to get crazy drunk and cry my eyes out. I want to scream really loud and have calgon take it all away.

Fantasy and Reality

I always wonder when I will say STOP. Jeff came over last Friday and, well, it was great to see him...he also came over this Thursday...and once again very nice. But at the same time, I want more. And I know he won't give it to me.

So why do I continue to love a man that will not be with me in any other way anymore? And if he is so involved with someone/something else then why does he want to continue this? He knows how I feel about him because I told him. Not in the begging to stay kind of way but just short and sweet and to the point...look I really love you...didn't ask for it back but he gave it. So why do I love the man? Why does it hurt when my mom says things like "Jeff is really a keeper...why aren't you two together again?" And I have to respond with, well he just thinks he needs to be with someone his own age. Isn't that pitiful?

I sit here knowing that he and I will probably never have anything real because for some reason he doesn't consider me life partner material. ODD. We get along wonderfully. We both understand that the other has a life outside of each other. And I for one am totally fine with that. Please, go out with the guys, I would like to read the new romance novel in peace :) And I do know it's hard to be with someone with young children, but don't you kinda look past that???? Maybe he just isn't strong enough to be with a strong woman or something. And I really understand how frustrating it can be to want to go do something adult and Tate's dad didn't show up again. I mean it really does suck for me too (not that I mind but a break WOULD be nice).

And really, I guess I am totally confused about the whole thing. I am totally out of sorts. And if I am not going to be with Jeff, than I really have no desire to go out and search for anyone else. That would not be fair to the other person to just use them to forget a love lost or something. And I am not being dramatic. I just am really head over heels for this guy who has been around for two years. And I am not going to search out someone else to replace those feelings. I don't have the motivation or the energy to start all over again.

Why do I do this to myself? I should just tell him to get out of my life. I don't want him out of my life. But I know myself well enough to know that I won't. I don't even know what I am waiting for with him. He is not going to get some sudden motivation to be with me in a forsake all others kind of way. I've never deluded myself into believing that. I have been taking the days as they come and for the most part that has worked for me. Sigh. I just don't know anymore. Right now I am just dissatisfied with the rest of my life...see my next post :) I think that is the biggest problem.

Friday, January 16, 2009


I have so much to say about the last week that it will probably take me hours...and several posts to cover all of the bases. But I will have to do it tonight even though I am bursting to get it all out. Work calls and the temp is sub zero so I am very excited ...(sarcasm anyone)

Sunday, January 11, 2009


I am sick of being judged by who people think I am or must be based upon my circumstances. I am a single MOM with two children by different fathers. SO WHAT??? That little descriptive sentence does nothing to define me as a person.

I am single because I chose that path. I am a mother because I chose that path.

I love to read books, any books. Romance, History, Horror...I soak them up. I love losing myself in the stories and passions of other people. Sometimes I wish I was the type of female that really expects men to be the way the way are in the books. But I end up laughing instead. Oh, yes, some man will defy convention and risk all to be with me...HA HA HA. I am quite the nerd. I love genealogy...which is basically family history. Dusty that's something to be passionate about. I would rather be at home than out doing something just to be doing it.

I am not beautiful but I am not ugly. I don't have any real body issues. I am kind and generous, love my family and would do anything I could for a person in need. I take my children to church most Sundays and try to fill their lives with as much happiness and laughter as I can. I am not the type to send my children away to a babysitter if it is my weekend with them. There is nothing more important than spending time and loving them.

I am very low maintenance in relationships. The only things I really require are that if you say you are going to do something, do it and that you show the same respect for me as I show for you. I treasure the little things like coffee in bed or flowers when I least expect them. Oh, and please don't cheat on me. (I used to think that was obvious, but marriage taught me otherwise) I am a really cool girlfriend because I generally like to do just about everything. I will watch sports with the guys and drink beers sometimes. I will go dancing for the heck of it. Whatever it is...if I like you enough to be with you then I will probably like doing anything you like to do :)

I am very bad at telling people outside of my daughters how I feel about them. But I am very good at umm well intimacy...

I have very strong intuition. If my heart is telling me to do something...I usually listen to it. I know there is a reason I feel as strongly as I do for a person...the quest is finding out why. I have never lied when I have told someone that I loved them. Even those that I am not so fond of now still hold a fondness in my heart and bittersweet memories.

I am sarcastic and have a very warped sense of humor.

I am rarely on time for anything. Work is the only exception to that statement.

So here I am a loving nerd, looked down on by many, respected by few...and laughing at the idiots that will never really know me for who I am...what a great opportunity they missed.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Sometimes, I just want to hear "I'm sorry". What is so hard about those two words? Not just from Jeff but from anyone. I hear "I apologise" alot. But there is a lot of difference between those two phrases.

I think that "I'm sorry" is the real one. When you say "i apologise" it's like saying "I kinda feel bad for what I did but don't want to go all the way with the big S word".

Anymore I feel like we live in a society where the attitude is "you should have known better". That you should never let your feelings or emotions get out of control because everyone is out to screw you over. And when that happens I think we lose a lot of ourselves. Having that attitude is a waste of good times that we could share. So what if you think it's a bad idea? It might surprise you and turn into a REALLY good idea. No one seems to take risks anymore. Or follow their heart. I call it a "head" society. We are so busy thinking about what might happen that we miss all of the great stuff that is happening. We think and think and think about a problem or situation until we miss the actual bit of life that we were so worried about. And then we sit and think about what might have been.

So when a simple "I'm sorry" would solve all of the thinking and wondering and worrying...why not use it. And mean it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Fantasy and the Good Stuff

There are so many things to like about Jeff. Well, aside from the obvious...these are my good memories...

The night that he was holding me and told me about a five dollar bill he found...he played the lottery with it and said that it would be great to win so he could take care of me and the kids.

The weekend I was sick just before Thanksgiving (which I caught from him...knew I shouldn't have gone over for that quickie LOL) and he took care of me...He held me on the couch and told me how much he loved having me around and how much I meant to him...

The songs he plays for me...Picked out Addicted and said that was ours ...HA..and the Older I Get and Whispers in the Dark by Skillet.

Texts that say thanks for being there for him and that every time we are together it's always something new and wonderful.

Oh, and my emails that I just got which I cannot explain the content :)

We made a lot of plans...some cabin in Amish country that he couldn't wait to get me to. Going to see the lights at the zoo. Unfortunately, that's when real life intruded. And it's a little hard to find and entire weekend babysitter. But there were so many good things and times. Amish country was great...Those sticky cinnamon rolls were awesome. The flea markets were my all time favorite though. That was just a great day...he finally bought that toaster oven I had been telling him to buy forever. Oh, and he got a George Forman grill. Now he can't live without either...

Thanksgiving was wonderful. It was great to just spend some time being with him. And Tate was well occupied with all of the other kids.

The other night he was over (New Years Day night) and was telling me about a new of those lifestyles for families. I think I might join...if nothing else he can show me the ropes, right?

I might have to rant about him some other time when i am feeling a little more angry about life or something but not today.

Real Life..Little Coughs

One of the most difficult things about being a parent is knowing when to call the doctor. Seriously, it is the one question that always boggles my mind. If I call constantly then will the doctor think I am some neurotic mother who doesn't know a little cough from a big problem? Or what if I don't call and it really is a big problem? I usually err on the side of caution.

Tate has this cough that she has had for about 3 days...nothing serious like a fever or anything with it. But today the cough is watery. And not great to listen to as well. And why did they take all of those medications off the market? I was never clear on why things that helped me when I was a young child will not help my daugher. But I am sure that someone else knows best.

I am tired and a little bitter from trying to help Tate feel better and not accomplishing much at all. Irritating.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Real Life Kids

My children are the heartbeat of my life. Tate is three 1/2 and Boo is 1 1/2. Those are their nicknames, of course. They are just so wonderful that I almost forget that a lot of things had to happen for me to be in this world of single motherhood. Tate's father I was married to and when she was 8 months left. So it has been me and her until I made the mistake of trying to forget about one man by sleeping with another(see my fantasy post) (childish and immature, I know.) But the most wonderful little girl came out of that as well.

Boo's father is soo incredibly active in her life. He takes her for a least one day every the very least. We can communicate about her now and talk and be friends. I wish I could make myself love him but the spark is just not there. Tates' father is in and out of her life. I am finally taking some legal action against him so that he understands that he cannot keep doing this to my little girl. So that is a little background for confessions of a single mom.

Tate is having trouble sleeping again...waking up with night terrors I think. I hate seeing my little girl be torn apart by some fool who doesn't know how lucky he is to have her as a daughter. I think that the situation with her father has also made her more clingy and whiny. Also, watching Boo go with her dad as often as she does causes a lot of questions. And me with no answers. But I can't really deprive one child for the sake of the other.

I am nervous about the upcoming events in their lives. Tate can't seem to accept that I might have someone else in my life but her and Boo so anytime a friend comes around she gets even more clingy and whiny. But I can't keep living my life alone. I want that support that I can find in another person. A shoulder to put my head on when things are rough and someone with some helpful advice on how to get through all of this rough stuff.

I wonder, how do you help a child understand why her father doesn't want to see her? Or will see her but only on his terms and when his girlfriend tells him it's okay. And when he does get her how do I get through the weekend wondering what kind of situations she is in the middle of? And then sit alone and try to forget that I can't have what I want with one person and stress about the safety of my daughter.

I wish I could say I was bitter about the divorce or the other things that came after. But honestly, every mistake I have made has led me to this spot. This perfect spot with my children. I don't believe that I will ever be given more challenges than I can handle. I can honestly say that once I make a mistake I never make it again. And really, the amazing thing is that my children have taught me more about love and sacrifices than anyone could.

This year for Christmas I had to save up, of course. No child support again so I was just going on what I made. But I had a decent amount saved and was able to get the kids several things that I knew were perfect. I limit myself to just a few presents, though. I don't like to overindulge them, especially since the rest of the family spoils them. I ended up having enough to get myself a little something and Jeff the iPOD he'd been wanting. Of course, he never got it...since he had to throw his little mid life crisis thing...I decided to keep it for myself. Don't know what to do with the two shirts I got him. Maybe I should cut them down to fit my kiddos :)

My point is that I think a lot of people who know me would be surprised that I do so much on so little. Or how simple life is when you stop worrying and just live. I used to stress about little things like a perfect house or certain decorations. Now I watch my kids trash the house twice daily. But we just pick up and do it again. I clean when I have time. I am not going to waste a whole weekend day cleaning when I want to spend time playing with the kids. And so maybe I don't have the perfect house or the perfect body...but I am working on bigger and better raising kids that feel loved ....

Fantasy and Jeff

I live my life in two phases...I have my real life running after young children, working full time, and trying to finish school. I have my fantasy life that involves only one each post will have to have the title on which part of my life I am blogging about. Unless the two worlds collide...doubtful but they have before so who really knows. My fantasy is named JEFF. And keep in mind that my fantasy only comes into play when the children are sleeping or with their fathers. So I might sound a little whorish but the children don't know about that.

Jeff makes my blood hot. There is no other way to describe it. He looks at me and I don't feel like the awkward single mom of two toddlers. He touches me and the woman that I am inside comes to the surface with a vengeance. Jeff has been in my life for two and 1/2 years now. I love him and am totally addicted to what we are. And why are we not really together, sharing life's up and downs? HMMM

There are many answers to that loaded question...the short one being I dunno. I have loved this man. Really loved him. I never knew that I could care about someone other than my children this much. So that's why I know I am going to sound like some desperate weird single idiot. But love makes you an idiot. Even though you know that you are in love with someone who is probably not in love with you and you know in your mind that you need to purge yourself of this person, it is absolutely impossible to make your heart do anything other than what it will do.

So I am a thirty-ish type female in love with a man who is 16 years older than me. I have young children (both by different dads but that is for my real life blogs). So this has been my life for the last few years:

Jeff comes into my life. He shows me the world. Takes me places. I mean stuff that most people wouldn't think of as fun but we had a good time together. I was just down at his moms house for Thanksgiving. He made plans to come on vacation with me and my children. He spent time with them. And seemed to enjoy them. He tells me and everyone that he will be going on vacation with us. Jeff is himself when he is with me. But they are young so you can't do much with them if you are wanting a quiet evening ...

It has happened a couple of times over the last couple years that he gets this idea that he needs to be with someone who is his age...that has no kids or older kids...must be a responsibility thing. The only thing is that even when he gets these ideas and he finds someone he is still in my bed. As often as he can be he his here. And so it leaves me wondering. Are these older women just so he can feel like he is doing what everyone expects of him? Being with someone his own age. I wonder if that is really the obstacle or not. I know I shouldn't let him come to my bed even when I am pretty sure there is someone else...but I am going to anyway. Don't waste breathe with that :)

Well recently, I think shortly after we were at his mom's for Thanksgiving, my daughter didn't want to go to bed and that cut into his time. He got an attitude and left and the next day decided that there had to be someone else in this life. And less than a week later ...he is in my bed...and it gets worse....

I see him and he looks at me and my heart starts pumping because he is looking at me like THAT...we didn't even make it out of the kitchen new years day night.

I really feel bad for this other woman, whoever she is and if she really exists. If she is real than I wonder if she knows that he acts the gentleman with her and then comes to me. That he cuts nights short with her to be with me? That he texts me all day...probably in between texting her...Maybe I have to get him primed for her. If she really exists that is. I must be like one of those old time mistresses. I wish I could say I have felt this for other men and that I am sure I will again. But I don't think that's really true for the person I am. All that I am positive of is that when we are in the same room fireworks go off. And it's not often that you find that kind of chemistry with anyone for a long period of time. Like I makes you a fool.

At this point I laugh at the whole situation. I might be in love but definitely in lust with Jeff...and that is my fantasy life. That he would just want to be here one hundred percent. But I am also smart enough to know that will probably never happen. So sue me. I will take what I can of love or lust while I can and be happy.