Fantasy and Jeff

I live my life in two phases...I have my real life running after young children, working full time, and trying to finish school. I have my fantasy life that involves only one person...so each post will have to have the title on which part of my life I am blogging about. Unless the two worlds collide...doubtful but they have before so who really knows. My fantasy is named JEFF. And keep in mind that my fantasy only comes into play when the children are sleeping or with their fathers. So I might sound a little whorish but the children don't know about that.

Jeff makes my blood hot. There is no other way to describe it. He looks at me and I don't feel like the awkward single mom of two toddlers. He touches me and the woman that I am inside comes to the surface with a vengeance. Jeff has been in my life for two and 1/2 years now. I love him and am totally addicted to what we are. And why are we not really together, sharing life's up and downs? HMMM

There are many answers to that loaded question...the short one being I dunno. I have loved this man. Really loved him. I never knew that I could care about someone other than my children this much. So that's why I know I am going to sound like some desperate weird single idiot. But love makes you an idiot. Even though you know that you are in love with someone who is probably not in love with you and you know in your mind that you need to purge yourself of this person, it is absolutely impossible to make your heart do anything other than what it will do.

So I am a thirty-ish type female in love with a man who is 16 years older than me. I have young children (both by different dads but that is for my real life blogs). So this has been my life for the last few years:

Jeff comes into my life. He shows me the world. Takes me places. I mean stuff that most people wouldn't think of as fun but we had a good time together. I was just down at his moms house for Thanksgiving. He made plans to come on vacation with me and my children. He spent time with them. And seemed to enjoy them. He tells me and everyone that he will be going on vacation with us. Jeff is himself when he is with me. But they are young so you can't do much with them if you are wanting a quiet evening ...

It has happened a couple of times over the last couple years that he gets this idea that he needs to be with someone who is his age...that has no kids or older kids...must be a responsibility thing. The only thing is that even when he gets these ideas and he finds someone he is still in my bed. As often as he can be he his here. And so it leaves me wondering. Are these older women just so he can feel like he is doing what everyone expects of him? Being with someone his own age. I wonder if that is really the obstacle or not. I know I shouldn't let him come to my bed even when I am pretty sure there is someone else...but I am going to anyway. Don't waste breathe with that :)

Well recently, I think shortly after we were at his mom's for Thanksgiving, my daughter didn't want to go to bed and that cut into his time. He got an attitude and left and the next day decided that there had to be someone else in this life. And less than a week later ...he is in my bed...and it gets worse....

I see him and he looks at me and my heart starts pumping because he is looking at me like THAT...we didn't even make it out of the kitchen new years day night.

I really feel bad for this other woman, whoever she is and if she really exists. If she is real than I wonder if she knows that he acts the gentleman with her and then comes to me. That he cuts nights short with her to be with me? That he texts me all day...probably in between texting her...Maybe I have to get him primed for her. If she really exists that is. I must be like one of those old time mistresses. I wish I could say I have felt this for other men and that I am sure I will again. But I don't think that's really true for the person I am. All that I am positive of is that when we are in the same room fireworks go off. And it's not often that you find that kind of chemistry with anyone for a long period of time. Like I said...love makes you a fool.

At this point I laugh at the whole situation. I might be in love but definitely in lust with Jeff...and that is my fantasy life. That he would just want to be here one hundred percent. But I am also smart enough to know that will probably never happen. So sue me. I will take what I can of love or lust while I can and be happy.