Saturday, April 25, 2009

THE story

So let me just say that I am pretty much over everything that happened between Jeff and I. I kinda roll my eyes about it and say "well ole girl, you should have listened to yourself...cut him loose the last time". It all really comes down to the fact that I loved the person that he was when we first started dating. I loved the person I knew he could be. But that wasn't the real him anymore and I just didn't want to make the choice between having nothing and just having him around because I had nothing else. Does that make sense? Even though I knew it wasn't going to last, I just rathered have sorta something with someone...just for a little while :) And like I said a million times. He was REALLY good in bed so I overlooked the other stuff for a while. I'm really only writing about this because I want it down somewhere and truly the story is sooo ridiculous. So here is how it all went down. '

We had still been doing our once a week thing and what not. Then about a month ago he started texting me a lot. All of the sudden. And calling and talking. I'm thinking, what's up with this? But I let him just because, well, I was still a little bit in love (or lust) and didn't have anyone else so, shrug.Then I get an email from his GIRLFRIEND!!!! Saying that he had been cheating on her with me and just wanted to warn me about what a loser he was and that they had broken up. Apparently, someone had emailed her to tell her this and then someone got into his email and forwarded her a bunch of emails that we had sent. UMMM they were very uh explicit emails. So I responded that I was sorry, and that I hadn't know about her. Which even though I suspected I didn't know for sure. Jeff never said a word. So I felt a little weird. I didn't tell Jeff about it, don't know why. Well, no, I figured he already knew and wasn't saying anything either. So then she apparently tells him at some point that we had been emailing. And Jeff gets pissed at ME! Doesn't tell me why. Just acts like its all my fault. Because the woman who originally emailed his girlfriend said she was a friend of mine. But based on the info I have it doesn't sound like anyone I know. And added to that...really not my fault anyway. So he gives me this big thing about how he doesn't want to raise kids (well, he REALLY shoulda thought about that a little harder) and just a bunch of bull shit. So I kept pushing at him just to piss him off. Because if he goes away because he's pissed then he'll stay away. If I went away because I was pissed he'd be back. Just the way he operates. So farewell to bad news kinda thing, ya know?

Then last week, I find the bible in my car that I had given him. OKAY? So I text him like you really didn't have to give that back. He replies and renee got baptised together on saturday.were going to be 2gether. im moving in with her. thanks for letting me use the bible....of course, i had to respond like a smart ass because, well, i just had to. it was a shitty thing for him to do and say. so i say, oh. get saved to live in sin. makes sense. well i'll talk to you when that doesn't work out...I get this text that says she is just like me only her kids are older. REALLY! Well that's an excellent reason to be with somebody. Good luck with that. Then I blocked his number from my phone because, if he was moving in with someone else then there was no WAY i was going to play his games anymore.

I know, I was being totally bitchy about it. But really, there are like at least ten other things sitting in his apartment that i'm sure remind him of me that I would have rather had (can you believe that's what bothers me?) But then I realized that the bible had my name on it. HA. So THAT'S why I got it back and not the other stuff. Okay, so that's where the story ends. For the most part at least.

So I sat and thought about it for like a day or so. Originally he cheated on my with her. And she thinks this is going to work? I wonder about that. It just doesn't make any sense. But maybe she is thinking the same thing as I did. That something is better than nothing. Everyone has been asking me for the last to weeks, what's wrong with Jeff? I just say, I don't know, we don't talk. Course, I get these looks, like yeah right.

I wonder what he told her about me to get back in her good graces. Seriously. If I had found out that the guy I was really serious about had been sleeping with someone else the whole time we were supposed to be together...I don't think any excuse would have been good enough. I am sure he made himself the victim. He usually does that. Like, oh i didn't really want to be with her but she just tempted me so much, or she was just nothing to me. I know he always tries to convince himself that we were never together really and so that excuses everything he did. Probably made me out to be some psychotic nymphomaniac. I guess if that's what he needs to do to sleep at night then, okay.

And, they got baptized together? okay, this is where my thoughts led me on that. She said to him that they could be baptized and I would be gone from their lives for good. It's the kind of thing I would have said if I was desperate to forget that the man I loved had been sleeping with someone else. Like washing the taint of someone else from our bodies. I hope the whole thing works out for him, really kinda do. I just wonder if he realizes getting baptized doesn't mean a thing if you are doing it for the wrong reason. Or if you are not being honest with yourself on who you are and want to be.

The other thing I don't think he realizes is that once you cheat on someone, you pay for that forever. She will never trust him. He will be on lockdown for the rest of his life. Nomatter what she tries to tell herself with the baptism thing. It will always be right there in the back of her mind. And everytime they sleep together she will wonder if I am really there in his bed too. He doesn't get that because he has never been cheated on. That's not according to him. But I know how men usually act when they have been cheated on and that is not how he acts at all. And now he is doubly damned because he is moving in with her. Once the glow from being baptized fades I think he is going to have a reality check like no other. And she will too. I feel bad for her. Well, a little, at least. She knows this time what he did and still chose to be with him. I honestly think this is going to get very messy for both of them. But Jeff is a good actor. So maybe not. I'd feel bad if she got hurt again though. I mean, I know how it feels to be cheated on. That's the only reason that I know what will be going through her head. As much as she won't want it too, the thoughts will be there.

Which kinda makes me feel a little bad for him (not much because this is all his fault). I mean, I think I emotionally let him go a long time ago. Accepted that, yeah, I might love him but like the other men I've loved, and still do, that he just wasn't the one for me. He is just too toxic. And now, he is acting holier than thou because of being baptized. Oh, I'm not like that anymore. I got baptized. That's good I guess. Maybe he will stop lying and cheating and making up stories to make himself look better to other people. Maybe he will stop moaning and whining about work.

But here is a secret. When him and his girlfriend were broken up, well, he was happy. Like the old guy I used to know. Not just the way he was treating me, but really happy with life. So, I wonder, if that's what settling down with some mold of what you expect the perfect partner to be...well, I really need to revise my idea of the perfect partner. Course, I'm not going to settle because of guilt or desperation so I probably won't end up like them at all. It took me a couple of weeks to really say goodbye for good to him, in my heart. I mean, he was in my life for three years.

But I feel really good right now. I am moving and looking for a new job. Both stressful things but I feel like I am actually doing something other than sitting here and letting life happen to me. So to wrap this up. I wish the best for Jeff and his girlfriend. I just wish better for myself :)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

On the way to Walgreens

We drive through a neighborhood....
"There's a fat man and a dog mommy." Tate...
"We shouldn't call people fat's mean and might hurt someones feelings." me..
"But mom, he's a man and he is really fat..."Tate...

Now are you supposed to regulate THAT?


Well, yeah, so I guess I'm a fibber too! I have every intention and need to write and yet haven't made the time for it in lets see....a MONTH! With so much happening I'll just write as it comes I guess...

There has been more to the Jeff story and I'll write about that when I am feeling a little more capable of using big words that are almost cuss words but not really. Needless to say...he is officially gone...but the story behind it is so ridiculous that I just HAVE to post it here...and I will...maybe tonight after a drink or two.

The job and hours I have been working have really gotten to me. I used to love my job even though I worked with the drivers and stuff and that could sometimes be a little nauseating. But I felt good about what I did and most days even loved going to work. This thing I have to do now is not a job. It's hell. These new people hate me. Doesn't that sound whiny? Maybe a little dramatic? Nope, the I was seriously told the other day that they hate me and they think I half ass everything. Which I can't really defend myself against because I don't even know WHAT I am supposed to be doing. INSANE! So I am looking for another job obviously. But with everything the way it is right now I don't even know where to start. On top of that this new boss really doesn't want me there and is using every click over my start time as an excuse to fire me. Pleasant, huh? I just want to not show up anymore. It's depressing. And there is absolutely nothing I like about that job right now. No positives at all.

We are getting ready to move to a HOUSE in like a week. I found one that was less expensive than this apartment...I think I wrote about it here...maybe not. But I am excited and nervous. There is sooo much packing to get done. People are seriously going to hate me. I just never get anything packed up like I need to. SIGH.

I thought I was heading for a major depression for about a week there. Kinda hit rock bottom with taking care of the kids and all that. Laundry was piled up to the ceiling. Don't know what happened but I snapped out of it.

Tate is getting to be quite the little smart mouth. She is not intimidated at all by any threats. Any actions. She just says...go ahead. GROAN. She is only four!

Boo is speaking in sentences and trying to potty train herself. Not that I'm not helping her but she has figured out how to take off her diaper and just stands in front of the potty and goes. We are still working on telling mommy so that I can get her on the potty! Well, more I said...I really gotta get the Jeff stuff off my chest...but only after a well deserved glass of wine. :)