Monday, July 6, 2009


Had this really good post all ready to be written. It came to me during work. In the last four hours I can not remember what it was about. Sigh. Been one of those weeks already (yea, it's only Monday).

So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.

I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.

I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.

I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....

The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."

And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.

All right, that's all I have for tonight.

1 comment:

  1. I know this feeling of complete loneliness. And while you wrote this post over a year ago, my prayer for you is that you find peace.

    I'm rooting for you, girl. Reading through all your posts & gonna hop over to your new blog.