Sunday, July 19, 2009

Crazy Crazy

Well. Last week I officially redefined a crazy situation. My ex took out one of those Civil Protection orders against me. So, you know, I then have to go to court and defend myself...and basically the judge took one look at me and laughed at him thinking I am a physical threat to him. Also gave her my cell records...just to prove I wasn't the one calling him and hanging up. And he tells the judge
"If she doesn't have this order so that I know she is very far away from me than I am going to have to kill her."

Yes, he said he was going to kill me. In court. In front of a judge, bailiff, deputy sheriff, and probably the dad.

My ex is basically blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING. And I have had no contact with this man since before Thanksgiving other than at court hearings.

So I figure he is trying to make it so that if he kills himself everyone will blame me or if he kills me everyone will blame me. He is not very bright but he is very crazy. And I will honestly say for the first time ever that I am a little frightened.

Monday, July 6, 2009


Had this really good post all ready to be written. It came to me during work. In the last four hours I can not remember what it was about. Sigh. Been one of those weeks already (yea, it's only Monday).

So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.

I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.

I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.

I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....

The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."

And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.

All right, that's all I have for tonight.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I have been thinking about hero's lately. Or at least the people who make a difference. Maybe it has something to do with Micheal Jackson dying and all of the comments and jokes that came after it. My own sister (who is usually the soul of compassion) says "What's the big deal? I'm sure that he did a lot for music and all but someone else would have done it eventually. He was a creep."

Ok, sis. But here is what I have to say about that....

She is right. Someone else might have done it. But Michael Jackson did. Not condoning whatever else went on in his personal or public life...but he did change the sound and face of music. So, yup, someone else could have done it. But he did.

Someone else could have been the one, eventually, to refuse to move to the back of the bus. But Rosa Parks DID it.

The men who signed the Declaration of Independence could have waited longer ...after all, they were committing an act of treason just looking at the thing. Even thinking about independence from English rule was treason. But these men sat in a closed up nasty smelling building. (They couldn't have the windows open because if anyone heard what they were doing they could have been hung) They debated. They argued. They tried to put the people's interest against their own self's. And, then, they signed their own death warrants buy signing the Declaration of Independence. They knew if the colonies lost the war they would be hunted men. But they did it anyway. They didn't pass it on to the next generation to do the dirty work. July 1, 1776 is the day that the first vote was taken on the Declaration of Independence.

It's easy to talk about being a hero. Standing up for what's right or good. But the ones that back up that talk with actions are the ones that are truly the hero's. Even us single parents are hero's in a way. We decided to give the best of ourselves to our children. Even at a huge cost to our lives, we have taken the steps to teach or children that it is okay to be the person that will stand up and say this is not right and I will not live my life like this.

It's a hard thing to do the right thing. It's really hard to make a life altering change. Hard to walk away from a man/woman you once loved because it just isn't right anymore. Hard to refuse to move in the face of prejudice. Hard to sign your own death warrant. Hard to be the person that history remembers and school children talk about for hundreds of years to come. Hard to be the single parent who is struggling because they want only the best for their children.

I would rather be the person doing the right thing for the right reasons and be alone than the person doing the wrong things and be surrounded by others.

Are you KIDDING me?

"Hey lets meet up after work."

Time for a patented blank stare from the BEAN and then she returns to her work like nothing was said. Because, really, what can be said about that without making a scene?