Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Talking Booger

"Mom I need a tissue" says Tate from the backseat.
"We are almost home, hun. Get you one in a second." Me
"It's too late mom."Tate
"Why is it too late?"Me
"I ate it." Tate
"Why would you eat a booger?" Me (yea, I really asked THE question)
"Well, it was a talking booger." Tate
"And what did it say?" ME (yea, I couldn't resist)
"It was saying, Eat me Tate, Eat me."
"UMM, Well, we shouldn't listen to everything that talking boogers tell us, Tate."

And folks, I said it with a straight face.

The Snow

There are very few things that irritate me about being a single mom. Aside from the obvious : Taking out the trash in two feet of snow...or taking out the trash period. My dumpster for my complex is around the other side of the building and there is no shortcut. Clearing two feet of snow off of my car. Well, really that wouldn't be so irritating if it hadn't been for the inch of ice that was also on my car. Oh, and then clearing off the sidewalk...which I am sure was the apartment managers responsibility but they couldn't make it to work either. I moved snow with a spatula :) I am the queen of spatula snow removal. But that really sums up the week I've had.

Now my major stress is finishing typing out what kind of visitation schedule I would like Tate's dad to agree to. He has still made no effort to see her or call her since before Thanksgiving. Boo's dad is still taking her regularly so I think I will try to make it so the girls are both gone for visitation at the same times. I just get so worried. I want it to be fair and I sometimes pretend like he gives a crap about his daughter, but in reality, what kind of father doesn't even call on Christmas?

So I am faced with sleepless nights trying to help Tate deal with what her father keeps doing. I am considering doing something like...if he doesn't show up for two visitations in a row then he forfeits his visitation period end of story. That way it is his choice. At first, I just wanted him gone from her life if he was going to treat her this way but then I realized that if I am the one making the choice she will probably hate me for it later. This way I can say "Well, you can ask your father why he stopped coming" ...of course, he will probably blame it on me but she will probably be old enough by then to see through those things. At least, I hope so.

Boo is going through the MINE phase. I have these moments as a mother when they do the most outrageous things and I feel like laughing. Like Boo and her MINE. It's just sooo cute when she scrunches up her little face and says it. But I have to teach her to share and all of that so my face is constantly carrying an expression between laughing and frowning.

I'll post more later...but right now I have to take out the TRASH :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Laundry Night

Yes it is that glorious night every week when I start doing the laundry. Actually I just pretend that Wednesday is the start reality I finish up on Tuesday. So it is actually a mad cycle...but every project has to have a start day. The thing about doing laundry is that it gives me too much time to think. It is one of those mindless tasks that I have been doing for so long that everything is on autopilot at this point. So I sit and think and ponder ...

I made it three whole days saying no to Jeff. It must be like breaking an addiction. I have to slowly wean myself off of the man or the results might be tragic (you know, shakes and convulsions, not pretty). One question, why does the sex have to be so good? Why can't he at least be bad in bed...Sigh

My daughters are the funniest little people ever. Today was hysterical. I work second shift ( or more like 12-8 ish) so we have some time in the morning to goof off and get ready slowly for the day...which is a good thing considering how much coffee I must consume to be human.

This morning my two little angels disappear into their room first off. I hear them giggling and chatting so I figure I am in for some sort of surprise. Next thing I know two little naked bodies come flying down the hallway. COMPLETELY naked. And Boo is NOT potty trained yet. Guess where the story goes now??? As Boo is running she must have caught a draft because she just pees all over the place...and thus my morning goes from slow to "oh crap" ...

So we get that cleaned up and Tate is still naked, of course. Because as she put it "Well, we aren't outside yet mommy" ...ok, I conceded that battle to the three year old. And then, as I am taking my amazingly fast two minute super mommy power wash in the shower...I hear more giggles. OH GREAT.

Yep...Tate had managed to find the ONE marker in the entire house that was not above a five foot level...and draw happy faces all over herself and Boo.

Do you ever just have one of those days where you feel like the kids have won...Lock up and move out now...They win.

Boo walked into the sitters and starts stripping her clothes off to show Miss Betty all of her pretty "HAHA'S" and Tate says, "Mommy said oh crap Miss Betty"
"When did she say that, Tate" asks miss Betty...
"Well right after Boo got naked and peed all over the hall" says Tate...
"And how did Boo get naked, Tate" Miss Betty...
"Well, I did it cause Boo's still a baby but I can take off her clothes and her diaper and put everything back on too...cause I'm a big girl"

Ok, so Tate thinks she is a big girl as in, "I am old enough to be a mom" kinda big girl. So we but heads a lot that girl and me.

But I've never seen such cute happy faces on anything :)

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I watched that movie "The five people you meet in heaven" last night. I have already read the book when it first came out but the movie was ok.

As usual, I started thinking about the concept behind the movie/book. That every life touches another life and so on. And I started thinking about the people that I could/should help or do more for. But I was missing the biggest point of the story. That it is not about the BIG things that you do. It is about the little things that you do everyday that affect the lives of those around you.

My mind wandered to the fact that usually the only smiling face that anyone sees at work is mine. The drivers are worn out and grouchy and there I am with my little smile and encouragement. Well, the best I can give at any rate. My job is at risk too and I won't know for another couple of weeks if I will have a job come March.

But maybe the universe is ready for me to be in another place. Maybe there is somewhere even better for me to be. People whose lives need my touch in what ever little way I can be there for them.

Have you ever thought about all of the lives you touched in a single day...and how your attitude might have affected their lives?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

And now....

For the rest of the story...which has nothing to do with Jeff so I separated it.

The story with Tate...her dad walked out of her life again the weekend before Thanksgiving. We haven't heard a word from him in all of that time. So I decided that after he didn't call her for Christmas ... well, to get a little witchy. Actually, I was irate. He hasn't worked since September. So no child support and I just had to take a 10% pay cut at work. I am down to the nitty gritty over here and then I find out that he is moving with his girlfriend and her children to a nice house ...because he felt the neighborhood they lived in was unsafe for his "second family" ...he has told everyone that is anyone that I am keeping Tate from him. Which I really haven't done because he hasn't shown up and I have just not bothered to push the issue anymore. So I decided to sue him for being in contempt of court for the child support...which I probably won't get anything from but at least I tried. And then to modify the visitation order so that she knows when her dad is coming...and if he can't adhere to the guidelines than he loses visitation. That way there won't be any question of whether he is coming or not.

Tate is only 3 1/2 years old and does not deserve this kind of treatment from him. And actually from what I have heard it's the girlfriend who is jealous of me or something childish like that. So therefor he can't be near me to drop his daughter off...

People, apparently, I am one hot momma if she is threatened by me. Good lord, I wish all of this childish behavior on their part would just stop. Tate deserves to have a father...

I don't feel like I fit into my life anymore. Isn't that odd? There are so many things I want to do and I am having a very hard time organising my life to do them. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am about to buckle. My support system is broken down ... I just want a shoulder to lay my head on. I want to get crazy drunk and cry my eyes out. I want to scream really loud and have calgon take it all away.

Fantasy and Reality

I always wonder when I will say STOP. Jeff came over last Friday and, well, it was great to see him...he also came over this Thursday...and once again very nice. But at the same time, I want more. And I know he won't give it to me.

So why do I continue to love a man that will not be with me in any other way anymore? And if he is so involved with someone/something else then why does he want to continue this? He knows how I feel about him because I told him. Not in the begging to stay kind of way but just short and sweet and to the point...look I really love you...didn't ask for it back but he gave it. So why do I love the man? Why does it hurt when my mom says things like "Jeff is really a keeper...why aren't you two together again?" And I have to respond with, well he just thinks he needs to be with someone his own age. Isn't that pitiful?

I sit here knowing that he and I will probably never have anything real because for some reason he doesn't consider me life partner material. ODD. We get along wonderfully. We both understand that the other has a life outside of each other. And I for one am totally fine with that. Please, go out with the guys, I would like to read the new romance novel in peace :) And I do know it's hard to be with someone with young children, but don't you kinda look past that???? Maybe he just isn't strong enough to be with a strong woman or something. And I really understand how frustrating it can be to want to go do something adult and Tate's dad didn't show up again. I mean it really does suck for me too (not that I mind but a break WOULD be nice).

And really, I guess I am totally confused about the whole thing. I am totally out of sorts. And if I am not going to be with Jeff, than I really have no desire to go out and search for anyone else. That would not be fair to the other person to just use them to forget a love lost or something. And I am not being dramatic. I just am really head over heels for this guy who has been around for two years. And I am not going to search out someone else to replace those feelings. I don't have the motivation or the energy to start all over again.

Why do I do this to myself? I should just tell him to get out of my life. I don't want him out of my life. But I know myself well enough to know that I won't. I don't even know what I am waiting for with him. He is not going to get some sudden motivation to be with me in a forsake all others kind of way. I've never deluded myself into believing that. I have been taking the days as they come and for the most part that has worked for me. Sigh. I just don't know anymore. Right now I am just dissatisfied with the rest of my life...see my next post :) I think that is the biggest problem.

Friday, January 16, 2009


I have so much to say about the last week that it will probably take me hours...and several posts to cover all of the bases. But I will have to do it tonight even though I am bursting to get it all out. Work calls and the temp is sub zero so I am very excited ...(sarcasm anyone)

Sunday, January 11, 2009


I am sick of being judged by who people think I am or must be based upon my circumstances. I am a single MOM with two children by different fathers. SO WHAT??? That little descriptive sentence does nothing to define me as a person.

I am single because I chose that path. I am a mother because I chose that path.

I love to read books, any books. Romance, History, Horror...I soak them up. I love losing myself in the stories and passions of other people. Sometimes I wish I was the type of female that really expects men to be the way the way are in the books. But I end up laughing instead. Oh, yes, some man will defy convention and risk all to be with me...HA HA HA. I am quite the nerd. I love genealogy...which is basically family history. Dusty that's something to be passionate about. I would rather be at home than out doing something just to be doing it.

I am not beautiful but I am not ugly. I don't have any real body issues. I am kind and generous, love my family and would do anything I could for a person in need. I take my children to church most Sundays and try to fill their lives with as much happiness and laughter as I can. I am not the type to send my children away to a babysitter if it is my weekend with them. There is nothing more important than spending time and loving them.

I am very low maintenance in relationships. The only things I really require are that if you say you are going to do something, do it and that you show the same respect for me as I show for you. I treasure the little things like coffee in bed or flowers when I least expect them. Oh, and please don't cheat on me. (I used to think that was obvious, but marriage taught me otherwise) I am a really cool girlfriend because I generally like to do just about everything. I will watch sports with the guys and drink beers sometimes. I will go dancing for the heck of it. Whatever it is...if I like you enough to be with you then I will probably like doing anything you like to do :)

I am very bad at telling people outside of my daughters how I feel about them. But I am very good at umm well intimacy...

I have very strong intuition. If my heart is telling me to do something...I usually listen to it. I know there is a reason I feel as strongly as I do for a person...the quest is finding out why. I have never lied when I have told someone that I loved them. Even those that I am not so fond of now still hold a fondness in my heart and bittersweet memories.

I am sarcastic and have a very warped sense of humor.

I am rarely on time for anything. Work is the only exception to that statement.

So here I am a loving nerd, looked down on by many, respected by few...and laughing at the idiots that will never really know me for who I am...what a great opportunity they missed.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Sometimes, I just want to hear "I'm sorry". What is so hard about those two words? Not just from Jeff but from anyone. I hear "I apologise" alot. But there is a lot of difference between those two phrases.

I think that "I'm sorry" is the real one. When you say "i apologise" it's like saying "I kinda feel bad for what I did but don't want to go all the way with the big S word".

Anymore I feel like we live in a society where the attitude is "you should have known better". That you should never let your feelings or emotions get out of control because everyone is out to screw you over. And when that happens I think we lose a lot of ourselves. Having that attitude is a waste of good times that we could share. So what if you think it's a bad idea? It might surprise you and turn into a REALLY good idea. No one seems to take risks anymore. Or follow their heart. I call it a "head" society. We are so busy thinking about what might happen that we miss all of the great stuff that is happening. We think and think and think about a problem or situation until we miss the actual bit of life that we were so worried about. And then we sit and think about what might have been.

So when a simple "I'm sorry" would solve all of the thinking and wondering and worrying...why not use it. And mean it.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Fantasy and the Good Stuff

There are so many things to like about Jeff. Well, aside from the obvious...these are my good memories...

The night that he was holding me and told me about a five dollar bill he found...he played the lottery with it and said that it would be great to win so he could take care of me and the kids.

The weekend I was sick just before Thanksgiving (which I caught from him...knew I shouldn't have gone over for that quickie LOL) and he took care of me...He held me on the couch and told me how much he loved having me around and how much I meant to him...

The songs he plays for me...Picked out Addicted and said that was ours ...HA..and the Older I Get and Whispers in the Dark by Skillet.

Texts that say thanks for being there for him and that every time we are together it's always something new and wonderful.

Oh, and my emails that I just got which I cannot explain the content :)

We made a lot of plans...some cabin in Amish country that he couldn't wait to get me to. Going to see the lights at the zoo. Unfortunately, that's when real life intruded. And it's a little hard to find and entire weekend babysitter. But there were so many good things and times. Amish country was great...Those sticky cinnamon rolls were awesome. The flea markets were my all time favorite though. That was just a great day...he finally bought that toaster oven I had been telling him to buy forever. Oh, and he got a George Forman grill. Now he can't live without either...

Thanksgiving was wonderful. It was great to just spend some time being with him. And Tate was well occupied with all of the other kids.

The other night he was over (New Years Day night) and was telling me about a new of those lifestyles for families. I think I might join...if nothing else he can show me the ropes, right?

I might have to rant about him some other time when i am feeling a little more angry about life or something but not today.

Real Life..Little Coughs

One of the most difficult things about being a parent is knowing when to call the doctor. Seriously, it is the one question that always boggles my mind. If I call constantly then will the doctor think I am some neurotic mother who doesn't know a little cough from a big problem? Or what if I don't call and it really is a big problem? I usually err on the side of caution.

Tate has this cough that she has had for about 3 days...nothing serious like a fever or anything with it. But today the cough is watery. And not great to listen to as well. And why did they take all of those medications off the market? I was never clear on why things that helped me when I was a young child will not help my daugher. But I am sure that someone else knows best.

I am tired and a little bitter from trying to help Tate feel better and not accomplishing much at all. Irritating.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Real Life Kids

My children are the heartbeat of my life. Tate is three 1/2 and Boo is 1 1/2. Those are their nicknames, of course. They are just so wonderful that I almost forget that a lot of things had to happen for me to be in this world of single motherhood. Tate's father I was married to and when she was 8 months left. So it has been me and her until I made the mistake of trying to forget about one man by sleeping with another(see my fantasy post) (childish and immature, I know.) But the most wonderful little girl came out of that as well.

Boo's father is soo incredibly active in her life. He takes her for a least one day every the very least. We can communicate about her now and talk and be friends. I wish I could make myself love him but the spark is just not there. Tates' father is in and out of her life. I am finally taking some legal action against him so that he understands that he cannot keep doing this to my little girl. So that is a little background for confessions of a single mom.

Tate is having trouble sleeping again...waking up with night terrors I think. I hate seeing my little girl be torn apart by some fool who doesn't know how lucky he is to have her as a daughter. I think that the situation with her father has also made her more clingy and whiny. Also, watching Boo go with her dad as often as she does causes a lot of questions. And me with no answers. But I can't really deprive one child for the sake of the other.

I am nervous about the upcoming events in their lives. Tate can't seem to accept that I might have someone else in my life but her and Boo so anytime a friend comes around she gets even more clingy and whiny. But I can't keep living my life alone. I want that support that I can find in another person. A shoulder to put my head on when things are rough and someone with some helpful advice on how to get through all of this rough stuff.

I wonder, how do you help a child understand why her father doesn't want to see her? Or will see her but only on his terms and when his girlfriend tells him it's okay. And when he does get her how do I get through the weekend wondering what kind of situations she is in the middle of? And then sit alone and try to forget that I can't have what I want with one person and stress about the safety of my daughter.

I wish I could say I was bitter about the divorce or the other things that came after. But honestly, every mistake I have made has led me to this spot. This perfect spot with my children. I don't believe that I will ever be given more challenges than I can handle. I can honestly say that once I make a mistake I never make it again. And really, the amazing thing is that my children have taught me more about love and sacrifices than anyone could.

This year for Christmas I had to save up, of course. No child support again so I was just going on what I made. But I had a decent amount saved and was able to get the kids several things that I knew were perfect. I limit myself to just a few presents, though. I don't like to overindulge them, especially since the rest of the family spoils them. I ended up having enough to get myself a little something and Jeff the iPOD he'd been wanting. Of course, he never got it...since he had to throw his little mid life crisis thing...I decided to keep it for myself. Don't know what to do with the two shirts I got him. Maybe I should cut them down to fit my kiddos :)

My point is that I think a lot of people who know me would be surprised that I do so much on so little. Or how simple life is when you stop worrying and just live. I used to stress about little things like a perfect house or certain decorations. Now I watch my kids trash the house twice daily. But we just pick up and do it again. I clean when I have time. I am not going to waste a whole weekend day cleaning when I want to spend time playing with the kids. And so maybe I don't have the perfect house or the perfect body...but I am working on bigger and better raising kids that feel loved ....

Fantasy and Jeff

I live my life in two phases...I have my real life running after young children, working full time, and trying to finish school. I have my fantasy life that involves only one each post will have to have the title on which part of my life I am blogging about. Unless the two worlds collide...doubtful but they have before so who really knows. My fantasy is named JEFF. And keep in mind that my fantasy only comes into play when the children are sleeping or with their fathers. So I might sound a little whorish but the children don't know about that.

Jeff makes my blood hot. There is no other way to describe it. He looks at me and I don't feel like the awkward single mom of two toddlers. He touches me and the woman that I am inside comes to the surface with a vengeance. Jeff has been in my life for two and 1/2 years now. I love him and am totally addicted to what we are. And why are we not really together, sharing life's up and downs? HMMM

There are many answers to that loaded question...the short one being I dunno. I have loved this man. Really loved him. I never knew that I could care about someone other than my children this much. So that's why I know I am going to sound like some desperate weird single idiot. But love makes you an idiot. Even though you know that you are in love with someone who is probably not in love with you and you know in your mind that you need to purge yourself of this person, it is absolutely impossible to make your heart do anything other than what it will do.

So I am a thirty-ish type female in love with a man who is 16 years older than me. I have young children (both by different dads but that is for my real life blogs). So this has been my life for the last few years:

Jeff comes into my life. He shows me the world. Takes me places. I mean stuff that most people wouldn't think of as fun but we had a good time together. I was just down at his moms house for Thanksgiving. He made plans to come on vacation with me and my children. He spent time with them. And seemed to enjoy them. He tells me and everyone that he will be going on vacation with us. Jeff is himself when he is with me. But they are young so you can't do much with them if you are wanting a quiet evening ...

It has happened a couple of times over the last couple years that he gets this idea that he needs to be with someone who is his age...that has no kids or older kids...must be a responsibility thing. The only thing is that even when he gets these ideas and he finds someone he is still in my bed. As often as he can be he his here. And so it leaves me wondering. Are these older women just so he can feel like he is doing what everyone expects of him? Being with someone his own age. I wonder if that is really the obstacle or not. I know I shouldn't let him come to my bed even when I am pretty sure there is someone else...but I am going to anyway. Don't waste breathe with that :)

Well recently, I think shortly after we were at his mom's for Thanksgiving, my daughter didn't want to go to bed and that cut into his time. He got an attitude and left and the next day decided that there had to be someone else in this life. And less than a week later ...he is in my bed...and it gets worse....

I see him and he looks at me and my heart starts pumping because he is looking at me like THAT...we didn't even make it out of the kitchen new years day night.

I really feel bad for this other woman, whoever she is and if she really exists. If she is real than I wonder if she knows that he acts the gentleman with her and then comes to me. That he cuts nights short with her to be with me? That he texts me all day...probably in between texting her...Maybe I have to get him primed for her. If she really exists that is. I must be like one of those old time mistresses. I wish I could say I have felt this for other men and that I am sure I will again. But I don't think that's really true for the person I am. All that I am positive of is that when we are in the same room fireworks go off. And it's not often that you find that kind of chemistry with anyone for a long period of time. Like I makes you a fool.

At this point I laugh at the whole situation. I might be in love but definitely in lust with Jeff...and that is my fantasy life. That he would just want to be here one hundred percent. But I am also smart enough to know that will probably never happen. So sue me. I will take what I can of love or lust while I can and be happy.