Monday, October 26, 2009

K...I'm Alive

And I am also starting a new blog...I wanted to start one that wasn't so deeply personal but at the same time didn't want to erase what I had already written here and the comments that everyone left. I am probably going to copy and edit some of my more meaningful blogs from over here to take to over there. Hopefully, I will get that done soon. And still post here for the more personal stuff that I need to get off my chest :) But I wanted to share my new blog with my few but wonderful followers here :

Give me a week or so to really shine :)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Crazy Crazy

Well. Last week I officially redefined a crazy situation. My ex took out one of those Civil Protection orders against me. So, you know, I then have to go to court and defend myself...and basically the judge took one look at me and laughed at him thinking I am a physical threat to him. Also gave her my cell records...just to prove I wasn't the one calling him and hanging up. And he tells the judge
"If she doesn't have this order so that I know she is very far away from me than I am going to have to kill her."

Yes, he said he was going to kill me. In court. In front of a judge, bailiff, deputy sheriff, and probably the dad.

My ex is basically blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING. And I have had no contact with this man since before Thanksgiving other than at court hearings.

So I figure he is trying to make it so that if he kills himself everyone will blame me or if he kills me everyone will blame me. He is not very bright but he is very crazy. And I will honestly say for the first time ever that I am a little frightened.

Monday, July 6, 2009


Had this really good post all ready to be written. It came to me during work. In the last four hours I can not remember what it was about. Sigh. Been one of those weeks already (yea, it's only Monday).

So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.

I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.

I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.

I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....

The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."

And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.

All right, that's all I have for tonight.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I have been thinking about hero's lately. Or at least the people who make a difference. Maybe it has something to do with Micheal Jackson dying and all of the comments and jokes that came after it. My own sister (who is usually the soul of compassion) says "What's the big deal? I'm sure that he did a lot for music and all but someone else would have done it eventually. He was a creep."

Ok, sis. But here is what I have to say about that....

She is right. Someone else might have done it. But Michael Jackson did. Not condoning whatever else went on in his personal or public life...but he did change the sound and face of music. So, yup, someone else could have done it. But he did.

Someone else could have been the one, eventually, to refuse to move to the back of the bus. But Rosa Parks DID it.

The men who signed the Declaration of Independence could have waited longer ...after all, they were committing an act of treason just looking at the thing. Even thinking about independence from English rule was treason. But these men sat in a closed up nasty smelling building. (They couldn't have the windows open because if anyone heard what they were doing they could have been hung) They debated. They argued. They tried to put the people's interest against their own self's. And, then, they signed their own death warrants buy signing the Declaration of Independence. They knew if the colonies lost the war they would be hunted men. But they did it anyway. They didn't pass it on to the next generation to do the dirty work. July 1, 1776 is the day that the first vote was taken on the Declaration of Independence.

It's easy to talk about being a hero. Standing up for what's right or good. But the ones that back up that talk with actions are the ones that are truly the hero's. Even us single parents are hero's in a way. We decided to give the best of ourselves to our children. Even at a huge cost to our lives, we have taken the steps to teach or children that it is okay to be the person that will stand up and say this is not right and I will not live my life like this.

It's a hard thing to do the right thing. It's really hard to make a life altering change. Hard to walk away from a man/woman you once loved because it just isn't right anymore. Hard to refuse to move in the face of prejudice. Hard to sign your own death warrant. Hard to be the person that history remembers and school children talk about for hundreds of years to come. Hard to be the single parent who is struggling because they want only the best for their children.

I would rather be the person doing the right thing for the right reasons and be alone than the person doing the wrong things and be surrounded by others.

Are you KIDDING me?

"Hey lets meet up after work."

Time for a patented blank stare from the BEAN and then she returns to her work like nothing was said. Because, really, what can be said about that without making a scene?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Alice and Wonderland

Which the real title is "Through the Looking Glass" or something like that. All of the fairy tales that I read and my parents read and my own children read are actually watered down versions of the originals. I have an early publication of the Brother's Grimm fairy tales. And let me tell you...The little mermaid does not get price charming. I think she dies. And Snow White? Well, her fate wasn't much better. So when people mention say to me..." You are waiting for a fairy tale." I kind of chuckle and say which one? The real fairy tale or the watered down happy ending Disney version of a fairy tale.

My oldest girl Tate got a "Little Mermaid" nightgown for her birthday. That's what led me down the road of "Do you know what really happened to..."

Of course, I have to play that game in my head, considering my daughters would be traumatised by realizing that little princess' don't always have happy endings waiting for them. They are too young for a realistic view of the world anyway. Tate has enough to deal with considering her father has left her life (for good I think this time).

But why do we ALWAYS have to give happy unrealistic endings to these stories? Everyone does not always end up living happily ever after just because they are princes and princess'. It doesn't show what it really takes to have two people be together and all of the hard work that goes into it. I mean, all the prince has to do is find the chick with the foot that fits in his slipper. Then they kiss and the world is grand.

I have a hard time finding the right mix of reality and imagination to pass on to my daughters. I want them to always want fireworks and happily ever after but at the same time what them to understand that it doesn't just happen. And they won't have me as a real role model because I honestly don't see myself involved with anyone else for a long while. So they WILL see me working hard, going to school, finishing a degree, taking care of the house work, them, and cooking. But they will only see ME doing it. Not me and a partner. So how will they know that it's GOOD and OKAY to share their lives with someone if they don't see ME doing it?

Will they even know HOW to share if all that I teach them is to do it themselves?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Time flying by...

I haven't been able to write for a while. Not only has my computer been crashed and at a friends house awaiting fixing, but I have been so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't put my thoughts into any sort of cohesive shape.

I can honestly say that I had never thought having a house was that much more work. But it has been. I am still finding that stray box or stack of something that needs a place. A picture that needs hung ...that kind of stuff on top of just taking care of it is a little bit tiring. But I am accepting the fact that I can not do everything everyday. But we are getting better at picking up and taking care of a little bit everyday. I am a little annoyed at the number of mosquito's that are around and biting this year.

Still have to see Jeff everyday at work. SIGH. Apparently we are friends again. Apparently he doesn't get it. I could say more about this and I might tomorrow. Why couldn't he stay in the department he was in? He liked it just fine. But no, he had to come to my office. GRRR. He told me that he misses me. I said, what does Renee think about that? (You know. That woman you are LIVING with?) So, he is still an idiot. Nothing changed there.

My little Tate is turning four tomorrow. She is just growing up sooo fast. And Boo is starting the potty training. YIKES.

I have to go to court again tomorrow and do the contempt thing for him not paying child support. Still haven't gotten anything since September...but he swears he has a job. And that if he goes to jail he'll lose his job. Well, news for him, they will make him serve his jail time on his days off. Because, I am sure I will never see a dime of that support. He also wants to get rid of his visitation rights. But that is based on my stopping the child support. Which, I don't believe I could do. But I would almost be willing if it kept that man away from Tate. He has really come unhinged lately and I mean in the screaming yelling, I am afraid to send her over there kind of way. Before it was just that I hated how she came home acting so horrible but now I really fear for her safety.

I will post an update tomorrow. Just so exhausted today.