It's Been A While

This is one of those jib jab kind of posts that will go everywhere and nowhere...

I have had to take a break from blogging because my thoughts were in complete chaos and my spelling was horrible. The kids were sick...still are...but at least they are sleeping sick now. And momma can breathe.

Against better judgement and all advice I am continuing to take my ex back to court. The last hearing was continued for another month until April. Brilliant. And in the mean time my daughter has no resolution to the "where's my daddy" question. Okay. The entire story is much more complicated than that but there is just the outline. He doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. Well, no. As he told the magistrate..."I love my daughter but I am not putting up with this woman's shit anymore."...Yes, he said that. In a courtroom. Really. I think my eyes were huge. I don't think cussing at the judge wins you any brownie points superhero.

Since my last post I have fallen off the Jeff wagon twice. Sigh. But, I don't really feel bad about it. Maybe I need a sponsor for my JA addiction. :)

And my work schedule has just changed to some crazy hours.

But still, ok. OKAY. I'm okay. Well, no.

Has anyone else contemplated just getting a live in for the sheer convenience of it? Not that I have a perspective partner or anything like that. But this winter has really kicked my skinny little self.

In the middle of that contemplation I realized something. I don't want someone else nosing around in my life. I like my life. Just want a little help once and a while. But maybe I am just wanting too much. I can't picture being with anyone seriously. I just can't. Every time I start to picture my life with someone I think about how my life will change and I don't feel like I have any more to give to another person.

I have had a lot of faith crisis lately. Had to take a few steps back and remember the simple things that REALLY matter.

My mind is very cluttered with the big things, well, with all things. Most people think in lines or even circles...I think in polka dots.

But through the last few weeks I have learned sooo many truths. One, just because you want to make something better for your children, doesn't mean it will happen. Sometimes, my little ones are going to have to be disappointed. They are going to have to live with that. They are going to have my help but they must ultimately learn to heal and move on themselves. Two, my actions are their reactions. They learn everything from me. I am the one person that they rely on to teach them the things in life they will need to have to be happy and well adjusted women (oh, my, my babies are going to be WOMEN someday !).
Three, Even in my lowest, sickest, most depressed sad moment, I still have two lives depending on me and me alone. I cannot fail. I will not fail THEM. I still have the ability to get up and take care of them. For that I am thankful.

Four, God will take care of everything in His own time. I forget that sometimes. I get impatient and frustrated. I forget that my life is on His timeline. I have lessons to learn, joys to experience, hurts to get over. But that is part of His plan for me and my life. I don't know where it leads. But I have to follow my heart and trust in something greater than myself.

I am a firm believer in the fact that you are never given more than you can handle. And, surprisingly, I haven't been given anything that I can't handle. There were times when life brought me to my knees, but I got back up. There were times I was hopeless. When there just didn't seem to be any way out. But, I'll be ...I made it through...stronger...more confident...more stable.

So, when people look at me and say "oh, you're still a puppy...what do you know about...a b c" I just smile. And I think to myself sometimes...If these people only knew. And I am proud that they don't. That I made it through without tearing an obvious bald spot in my head or something. I laugh...I made it.

I am adding this great poem that I have hanging on my wall. Well, one of many. But it really says so much...I like the older American poetry the best by the way.

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.

The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.

Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

Berton Braley