I always wonder when I will say STOP. Jeff came over last Friday and, well, it was great to see him...he also came over this Thursday...and once again very nice. But at the same time, I want more. And I know he won't give it to me.
So why do I continue to love a man that will not be with me in any other way anymore? And if he is so involved with someone/something else then why does he want to continue this? He knows how I feel about him because I told him. Not in the begging to stay kind of way but just short and sweet and to the point...look I really love you...didn't ask for it back but he gave it. So why do I love the man? Why does it hurt when my mom says things like "Jeff is really a keeper...why aren't you two together again?" And I have to respond with, well he just thinks he needs to be with someone his own age. Isn't that pitiful?
I sit here knowing that he and I will probably never have anything real because for some reason he doesn't consider me life partner material. ODD. We get along wonderfully. We both understand that the other has a life outside of each other. And I for one am totally fine with that. Please, go out with the guys, I would like to read the new romance novel in peace :) And I do know it's hard to be with someone with young children, but don't you kinda look past that???? Maybe he just isn't strong enough to be with a strong woman or something. And I really understand how frustrating it can be to want to go do something adult and Tate's dad didn't show up again. I mean it really does suck for me too (not that I mind but a break WOULD be nice).
And really, I guess I am totally confused about the whole thing. I am totally out of sorts. And if I am not going to be with Jeff, than I really have no desire to go out and search for anyone else. That would not be fair to the other person to just use them to forget a love lost or something. And I am not being dramatic. I just am really head over heels for this guy who has been around for two years. And I am not going to search out someone else to replace those feelings. I don't have the motivation or the energy to start all over again.
Why do I do this to myself? I should just tell him to get out of my life. I don't want him out of my life. But I know myself well enough to know that I won't. I don't even know what I am waiting for with him. He is not going to get some sudden motivation to be with me in a forsake all others kind of way. I've never deluded myself into believing that. I have been taking the days as they come and for the most part that has worked for me. Sigh. I just don't know anymore. Right now I am just dissatisfied with the rest of my life...see my next post :)...so I think that is the biggest problem.
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I have been there; so in love, but it ended. He wasn't good for me, or my kids so it's better that he walked away. I can still wax nastalgic now and then but it's for the illusion of him; the good stuff and not the rest.
ReplyDeleteLife goes on and Jeff has made a choice to live his without you the way you want. Take your time to mourn (which means not seeing him)and then one day when you are ready get back on the horse.
I just hate the mourning process :) and feeling like some idiot teenager getting over her first love...grrr. but I will be fine. I think I ususally have the rolling of the eyes reaction to most of what he says anymore...and I have to talk to him daily because he works with me (indirectly) but still talks to me like we are best friends or something. Men are weird.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry this is so hard for you. i understand both sides of it, my head, like yours, says you know what you can expect from him, and it will never be what you want, so you are committing to a terminally unsatisfying relationship, and, unfortunately, it will likely grow more frustrating with time. and my heart understands love, and how it is nearly impossible to let go of it, even if it means heartbreaking compromise. so, i do feel for you. my head says let him go. my head is always right. and i do try so hard to listen to it, but my heart is a little hard of hearing. my head says, "Get hearing aids!" man, the two of them, hey?
ReplyDeletebut, there is one other thing, more important. i'm older than you, so, by definition, wiser...right? :) you said "And if I am not going to be with Jeff, than I really have no desire to go out and search for anyone else. That would not be fair to the other person to just use them to forget a love lost or something. And I am not being dramatic. I just am really head over heels for this guy who has been around for two years. And I am not going to search out someone else to replace those feelings. I don't have the motivation or the energy to start all over again."
i understand the exhaustion, how you put so much into one person, and as much as you get back for that, still, it is an emotional effort. and not one you feel eager to go through again. but the human condition is to need love, seek love, and i do believe, in time, after some grief and some rest, you will find yourself craving, seeking desiring, finding love, and you will have forgotten your lack of enthusiasm for another love. it will just happen so naturally.
and it won't be that you are soothing the pain of losing jeff with some jeff facsimile, nor replacing the feelings you had for him. when you rediscover love, it will be new and beautiful and pure and fresh, and a whole new exciting and wonderful journey.
your love for jeff is his, always. that doesn't mean you can't love anyone else, ever, or that you would be giving someone else love that belonged to him. in the same way that you have love for both your daughters, one doesn't take away from the other, you can keep the love you have for jeff, and if the relationship ends, then you put that in the jeff file, and it stays there. but you will want to, and be able to, love another man. love isn't transferable, it only ever belongs to the one for whom it is felt. and you will feel it for someone else. maybe someone who can give you more of what you want and need. and totally deserve. and when the time comes, you will see that. and my telling you doesn't make a whit of an impression, does it? and i won't even be there to say "i told you so." but, somewhere, i'll be smiling.
you sound like a really cool and special chick, and you deserve all the love a man can give. a guy would be lucky to get all of you. i really think you need to keep that in mind. don't sell yourself short on someone who can't see that.
if you have to be with him, because your heart can't let go, then, yeah. but, don't close yourself off to the notion that you can have the kind of love and relationship you want. just, maybe not with him.
and, oh, gosh, i hate to say this, because i know it's not what you want to hear, and i don't know what's going on in his head, because i'd think an older guy would be delighted to have a young partner, and you're such a sweetheart, too. but, k, that's not his thing. but, you're getting older, too. don't let him keep you tied to him, getting older, and then you wind up, after it all, without him, and at an age when it's even harder to find a nice young guy. don't let him do that to you. you deserve better.
k, sorry. too much advice? mostly, really, i just feel for your situation. i can totally relate.
Older and wiser... I like that :) Everything you've said is helpful and I am pretty sure stuff that I have said to myself. Annoying when you know what is best for yourself but see saw back and forth about it. And, hey, I look you up when I find the man who deserves me and let you give me a big ole "i told you so" :)
ReplyDeleteyeah, i kind of thought so, you really didn't need me singing harmony to your own thoughts, did ya? anyway, i am older, though. and you kind of echo my own situation, the same, only different, you know? and i'm on the seesaw too. being a moron. thing is, it's so much easier to give other people good advice than to listen to it yourself, isn't it? well, good luck to both of us, hey?
ReplyDeletei'm looking forward to hearing from you, when you find that wonderful guy. i won't say "i told you so." i was kidding.
My O two... worth exactly what you're paying for it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you love someone but can't be with them for one reason or another. Then you end up with them years later when the timing is right. That could happen. It did for me.
There is much I could say but I'm sure you have thought of all of it already so I'll just shut up now and wish you well. :) ac
Well I am one of those people that always has hope but I don't expect it. Occasionally I am pleasantly surprised :) Thanks for the good thoughts
ReplyDelete