BLAH

I've been sitting here thinking. Always a troubling and potentially dangerous activity for me to engage in. Especially when I am so frustrated with myself I could scream.

How do I get myself into these messy situations? Am I really this idiotic? I could have sworn that I was once a fairly intelligent person. But, see, when you make the same mistake more than twice...well, most start to doubt that.

For every bit of intelligent I am there is also that intuitive side of me. I seem to lose my mind occasionally and decide to live. It's like I have two sides to myself that are constantly at war.

One side that is totally rational, easy going, content to live out life doing what I do and just settling for whatever comes my way. And this other part...well...it wants fairy tale fire works. The whole kitten caboodle. I want to feel the fire! Hell, I want to jump into the fire and dance.

Then...I jump into the fire and dance...and man do I get burned. But do I learn my lesson? NOPE. Just hop out and back in.

I'm SMART! Why do I know better and still STILL run right back. It's the feeling, the craving, for that fire. It's the desire for the fire that makes me refuse to settle "just because I should". It's the wanting to share yourself with someone, really sharing everything, that makes me want more. It's wanting to be comfortable with myself and my place. It's THAT I want most.