Sunday, February 22, 2009

It's Been A While

This is one of those jib jab kind of posts that will go everywhere and nowhere...

I have had to take a break from blogging because my thoughts were in complete chaos and my spelling was horrible. The kids were sick...still are...but at least they are sleeping sick now. And momma can breathe.

Against better judgement and all advice I am continuing to take my ex back to court. The last hearing was continued for another month until April. Brilliant. And in the mean time my daughter has no resolution to the "where's my daddy" question. Okay. The entire story is much more complicated than that but there is just the outline. He doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. Well, no. As he told the magistrate..."I love my daughter but I am not putting up with this woman's shit anymore."...Yes, he said that. In a courtroom. Really. I think my eyes were huge. I don't think cussing at the judge wins you any brownie points superhero.

Since my last post I have fallen off the Jeff wagon twice. Sigh. But, I don't really feel bad about it. Maybe I need a sponsor for my JA addiction. :)

And my work schedule has just changed to some crazy hours.

But still, ok. OKAY. I'm okay. Well, no.

Has anyone else contemplated just getting a live in for the sheer convenience of it? Not that I have a perspective partner or anything like that. But this winter has really kicked my skinny little self.

In the middle of that contemplation I realized something. I don't want someone else nosing around in my life. I like my life. Just want a little help once and a while. But maybe I am just wanting too much. I can't picture being with anyone seriously. I just can't. Every time I start to picture my life with someone I think about how my life will change and I don't feel like I have any more to give to another person.

I have had a lot of faith crisis lately. Had to take a few steps back and remember the simple things that REALLY matter.

My mind is very cluttered with the big things, well, with all things. Most people think in lines or even circles...I think in polka dots.

But through the last few weeks I have learned sooo many truths. One, just because you want to make something better for your children, doesn't mean it will happen. Sometimes, my little ones are going to have to be disappointed. They are going to have to live with that. They are going to have my help but they must ultimately learn to heal and move on themselves. Two, my actions are their reactions. They learn everything from me. I am the one person that they rely on to teach them the things in life they will need to have to be happy and well adjusted women (oh, my, my babies are going to be WOMEN someday !).
Three, Even in my lowest, sickest, most depressed sad moment, I still have two lives depending on me and me alone. I cannot fail. I will not fail THEM. I still have the ability to get up and take care of them. For that I am thankful.

Four, God will take care of everything in His own time. I forget that sometimes. I get impatient and frustrated. I forget that my life is on His timeline. I have lessons to learn, joys to experience, hurts to get over. But that is part of His plan for me and my life. I don't know where it leads. But I have to follow my heart and trust in something greater than myself.

I am a firm believer in the fact that you are never given more than you can handle. And, surprisingly, I haven't been given anything that I can't handle. There were times when life brought me to my knees, but I got back up. There were times I was hopeless. When there just didn't seem to be any way out. But, I'll be ...I made it through...stronger...more confident...more stable.

So, when people look at me and say "oh, you're still a puppy...what do you know about...a b c" I just smile. And I think to myself sometimes...If these people only knew. And I am proud that they don't. That I made it through without tearing an obvious bald spot in my head or something. I laugh...I made it.

I am adding this great poem that I have hanging on my wall. Well, one of many. But it really says so much...I like the older American poetry the best by the way.

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.

The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.

Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

Berton Braley

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Valley of Doubt

When some of us feel that God doesn't love us or can't use us...Remember...
Noah was a drunk...Abraham was too old...Isaac was a daydreamer...Jacob was a liar...Leah was ugly...Joseph was abused...Moses had a stuttering problem...Gideon was afraid...Samson had long hair and was a womanizer...Rahab was a prostitute...Jeremiah and Timothy were too young...David had an affair and was a murderer...Elijiah was suicidal...Isaiah preached naked...Jonah ran from God...Naomi was a widow...Job went bankrupt...John the Baptist ate bugs...Peter denied Christ...The disciples fell asleep while praying...Martha worried about everything...The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once...Zaccheus was too small...Paul was too religious...Timothy had an ulcer...and Lazarus was DEAD...We have no excuses when we think God can't use us or love us...besides...we aren't the message just the messengers.

Just a thought.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


I found this and had to laugh...

The Struggle

There is this quote that I live my life by "Don't let the struggle kill the dream". I can't remember the name of the man that stated that but it was something that my pastor quoted in services one week about a year ago. He went on to say that your dream doesn't have to be something completely spectacular...maybe it is something as simple as being able to sit down for a good dinner once a week. But that no matter how big or small your goal is, you can't let the struggle to get there extinguish the desire to have that dream become a reality. Because when you lose sight of that dream or goal it will become a dead dream, a dead goal. And what do you have to hope for or work for if not a dream? That God does not want us to just go day to day without purpose. He created each of us for a certain reason and we all have skills that help fulfill that purpose. The trick is finding out what exactly he wants from you....

I was born deaf...through a few procedures I managed to get the hearing back in my right ear but never in my left. It seems a really small disability to some people, well, people who don't know what it's like. For example, if one of my children is crying for me and I don't know where they are ...I can't hear what direction they are in. Yes, it seems a simple thing, but it's one of those things about myself that I have a hard time accepting. I have coped really well over the years and even my mother forgets sometimes that I can't hear like she does. But, that is ok. I am proud that I have adjusted so well. But still I ask why sometimes. Why can't I be normal?

Then at the store the other day there was this woman just standing there looking lost. She was old but not quite elderly yet. But she had a lot of years and was sooo painfully thin. Anyway, she was just standing there and my kids were fussing but I still went over to her... I mean she looked really confused...I said excuse me a few times and she ignored me and so I stood directly in front of her and she finally noticed me...And she started signing...Sign language...the woman was deaf...I start signing back (because my parents had thought it a good thing for me to learn in case the procedure for my ear ever wore out) and then this woman from the pharmacy comes over to us. She explained that the woman had been there for forty minutes but they couldn't figure out what she needed because no one signs there and the woman's hands were so shaky she couldn't write...Luckily, I was there because the woman was out of her insulin and was about ready to go into shock...She was so relieved to find someone to help her she was in tears....

So, ok, God, I get the message...

There is this movie called "Meet the Robinsons"...I'm sure most parents are familiar with it but the first time I saw it I cried...Keep moving forward...

And so everyday I struggle, thinking I should let my dreams go..that for some reason I am not good enough...that the weight of the bad decisions I've made are going to drown me...And those two little quotes roll through my head...and there is another great line in that movie..."We learn more from our failures than from our success"...And it is soo true. But in the end we just have to look past the insecurities and the letdowns and just keep going toward that dream. To do otherwise would be a waste of our talents and a waste of what God has intended for us.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Ticked Off Post

I haven't really had the time to write at all this past week!!! And last night I thought I would sit down and write a very inspirational post...I still have that post in mind but I have to get the baggage out of the way in this post first. I will warn you that I am VERY irritated at the moment and I will probably drop the f bomb a few times. I might also sound completely irrational and unbalanced. But I think my feelings right now are irrational and not balanced at all so I will just get it out. There is the warning for those with little or no intestinal fortitude for an angry woman on a rant.

So ex husband(Tates father) did NOT show up for the contempt hearing on Tuesday. So they issued a warrant for his arrest. Woopee. Big deal. Not that I don't respect our court systems or anything like that but now I am in the position of knowing that nothing is going to get resolved with the visitation hearing this Thursday...because, guess what, if he shows up he gets arrested. And although he is an ignoramus of the highest degree, he probably has that figured out. He also decided to move and not tell me or the courts where he went to. Brilliant. So, basically, he is in this nice house, which he had to move into with his mother and equally ignorant girlfriend to be able to afford. But still, here I am working my freaking ass off and never getting out of this two bedroom 856 sq ft apt that is in a not so great area. My credit is shot and I had to declare bankruptcy because of all of the debt I was left with from my marriage. And the moronic bum is sitting on his ass waiting for the VA to start paying him disability because he is saying he has ptsd. That's how he gets out of everything...(yes, officer, i beat the shit out of my wife but i fought for our country and am a little stressed out)...

Now I am only talking about my ex not everyone else who has ptsd. And I have a lot of respect for those men and women who have served over seas and all of that. I can only compare what I know to be ex claims whatever disability will get him out of the trouble that he is in. Last year it was a heart condition...before that he told everyone I was cheating on him so that justified what he did...I dunno. And once he gets that disability he won't have to pay support out of it. But he will get extra money for each child that he has. REALLY! Now, my stepfather has been getting disability for ptsd for 15 years. This man fought in Vietnam...saw real war...and yet still managed to have a full time job. Yes, he was an alcoholic and did not always make the best choices while drunk. Not saying he was a stellar guy all of the time, but he did work and pay the bills. My ex did go over to Iraq. However, he never saw any combat. In fact, he was in a zone where he could call everyday. So you understand a little bit about why I am dubious about this current complaint.

And on top of that he is going to sit there and collect my tax dollars and get a credit for a child that he hasn't spoken to or inquired about since before Thanksgiving? And my money is footing the bill for this loser? It just kills me.

Then I get this call from his first ex wife wanting to know why I didn't call and remind him of his court date. SERIOUSLY???? He is a grown ass man #1 and #2 I don't have a phone number for him since they turned off their phone. And I don't have a number for his mother either...even if I wanted to contact that side of the family. And the first ex wife is acting like this is a huge deal to her because poor ex always get the shitty end of the stick. Well, guess what, he puts himself there for the love of pete!!!!

Oh and then this morning there is an email from jeff...just wanting to let me know that the supervisors at work all want in my pants and he doesn't like to hear those comments about me. WHAT? Ok, so I did break down once since the last time but I made it like a week and half this time (for those of you keeping score). So I certainly email him wasn't pretty. Basically said: Oh, I'm sorry, since when do you give a shit? And if it bothers you so much why don't YOU say something? Remember, you don't want to be in my life other than when you want some nooky, you don't want to be a friend, not even a true lover, or a boyfriend, so what right do you have to send me an email acting like what men talk about is my fault or problem? Don't bother me with your stupid men gossip. I put a stop to what I hear so man up and if something bothers you than you should say something. You don't care and you don't want to be a part of my life. So quit acting like you care about me as anything other than a piece of ass. If you think of me as more than that then you should stop playing these idiot little games and say something. Until then, have a good day!

I got a short shitty response back to that one. He is such a baby and can't ever deal with adversity. Such a child. I just woke up saw that and decided that he is from now on going to have to seriously think about what he just lost.

Gee, then my window on my passenger side falls down and that cost me 350.00 to get fixed . Only because it wouldn't stay up at all...

Ok that's all for now...I need to eat.