And I am also starting a new blog...I wanted to start one that wasn't so deeply personal but at the same time didn't want to erase what I had already written here and the comments that everyone left. I am probably going to copy and edit some of my more meaningful blogs from over here to take to over there. Hopefully, I will get that done soon. And still post here for the more personal stuff that I need to get off my chest :) But I wanted to share my new blog with my few but wonderful followers here :
http://treasuresandtrials.blogspot.com/
Give me a week or so to really shine :)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Crazy Crazy
Well. Last week I officially redefined a crazy situation. My ex took out one of those Civil Protection orders against me. So, you know, I then have to go to court and defend myself...and basically the judge took one look at me and laughed at him thinking I am a physical threat to him. Also gave her my cell records...just to prove I wasn't the one calling him and hanging up. And he tells the judge
"If she doesn't have this order so that I know she is very far away from me than I am going to have to kill her."
Yes, he said he was going to kill me. In court. In front of a judge, bailiff, deputy sheriff, and probably the worst...my dad.
My ex is basically blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING. And I have had no contact with this man since before Thanksgiving other than at court hearings.
So I figure he is trying to make it so that if he kills himself everyone will blame me or if he kills me everyone will blame me. He is not very bright but he is very crazy. And I will honestly say for the first time ever that I am a little frightened.
"If she doesn't have this order so that I know she is very far away from me than I am going to have to kill her."
Yes, he said he was going to kill me. In court. In front of a judge, bailiff, deputy sheriff, and probably the worst...my dad.
My ex is basically blaming everything that is wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING. And I have had no contact with this man since before Thanksgiving other than at court hearings.
So I figure he is trying to make it so that if he kills himself everyone will blame me or if he kills me everyone will blame me. He is not very bright but he is very crazy. And I will honestly say for the first time ever that I am a little frightened.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I
Had this really good post all ready to be written. It came to me during work. In the last four hours I can not remember what it was about. Sigh. Been one of those weeks already (yea, it's only Monday).
So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.
I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.
I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.
I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....
The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."
And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.
All right, that's all I have for tonight.
So, my ex husband, the one who hasn't seen his daughter since November and hasn't paid support since September decided to file some CPO on me...I guess I have been calling an harassing him or something. That means more time off work. Already on thin ice there too. Don't need the sheriff showing up to serve me with papers on top of everything else. This guy is unreal. I think he has flipped his lid officially and I wouldn't be surprised to find him at my door one day with a shot gun.
I have always tried to keep a good attitude about the challenges I face and the hurdles I jump. But, today, they seem like too much. My chest hurts from the pressure of holding in the tears. And I just can't cry. I need a rock in my life and for most of my life it has been God. But today I am even lonely for Him. I thought something today. I thought that it would be great to have a man that was real and solid to come home to. One that would lie and tell me that everything was going to be easy and okay (and he would say it with a little bit of a grin because we would both know he was lying) and just put his arms around me and let me cry. I am tired of being every ones rock, support, breadwinner. I want someone to take that from me. Today. Maybe not tomorrow. But at this moment it is almost more than I can handle. The loneliness, the need to be in love with someone and have that partnership. Today.
I won't cry without a shoulder to cry on. It's kind of like when I drink alone. Never a good idea to get started because there is no one there to make sure I don't overindulge.
I need sleep. But I lay down and that fist closes on my chest and there is no way. I wake up in a panic for no reason. My life is being dominated by things I can't control. Ahhh, here is a good parable for myself when I feel better....
The man is washed up on a deserted island...luckily there is enough wood for a small hut and some fruit for him to eat. But the man is desperate to get back to his home and life. He prays daily for deliverance or a fishing boat. The man goes to gather fruit one day and returns to find his hut on fire.
"Oh, God! How could You do this to me? This was my only shelter and now I have to do with nothing!" The man is frustrated as he lays down for the evening with no shelter.
The next day a rescue boat arrives...The man says "How lucky I am you found me!"
"Well, we would have passed this island totally...but we saw your smoke signal and decided to take a closer look..."
And the moral is...Sometimes...even when your hut IS on fire it's being used for a greater purpose that makes no sense to you right now...but will show itself later.
All right, that's all I have for tonight.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hero
I have been thinking about hero's lately. Or at least the people who make a difference. Maybe it has something to do with Micheal Jackson dying and all of the comments and jokes that came after it. My own sister (who is usually the soul of compassion) says "What's the big deal? I'm sure that he did a lot for music and all but someone else would have done it eventually. He was a creep."
Ok, sis. But here is what I have to say about that....
She is right. Someone else might have done it. But Michael Jackson did. Not condoning whatever else went on in his personal or public life...but he did change the sound and face of music. So, yup, someone else could have done it. But he did.
Someone else could have been the one, eventually, to refuse to move to the back of the bus. But Rosa Parks DID it.
The men who signed the Declaration of Independence could have waited longer ...after all, they were committing an act of treason just looking at the thing. Even thinking about independence from English rule was treason. But these men sat in a closed up nasty smelling building. (They couldn't have the windows open because if anyone heard what they were doing they could have been hung) They debated. They argued. They tried to put the people's interest against their own self's. And, then, they signed their own death warrants buy signing the Declaration of Independence. They knew if the colonies lost the war they would be hunted men. But they did it anyway. They didn't pass it on to the next generation to do the dirty work. July 1, 1776 is the day that the first vote was taken on the Declaration of Independence.
It's easy to talk about being a hero. Standing up for what's right or good. But the ones that back up that talk with actions are the ones that are truly the hero's. Even us single parents are hero's in a way. We decided to give the best of ourselves to our children. Even at a huge cost to our lives, we have taken the steps to teach or children that it is okay to be the person that will stand up and say this is not right and I will not live my life like this.
It's a hard thing to do the right thing. It's really hard to make a life altering change. Hard to walk away from a man/woman you once loved because it just isn't right anymore. Hard to refuse to move in the face of prejudice. Hard to sign your own death warrant. Hard to be the person that history remembers and school children talk about for hundreds of years to come. Hard to be the single parent who is struggling because they want only the best for their children.
I would rather be the person doing the right thing for the right reasons and be alone than the person doing the wrong things and be surrounded by others.
Ok, sis. But here is what I have to say about that....
She is right. Someone else might have done it. But Michael Jackson did. Not condoning whatever else went on in his personal or public life...but he did change the sound and face of music. So, yup, someone else could have done it. But he did.
Someone else could have been the one, eventually, to refuse to move to the back of the bus. But Rosa Parks DID it.
The men who signed the Declaration of Independence could have waited longer ...after all, they were committing an act of treason just looking at the thing. Even thinking about independence from English rule was treason. But these men sat in a closed up nasty smelling building. (They couldn't have the windows open because if anyone heard what they were doing they could have been hung) They debated. They argued. They tried to put the people's interest against their own self's. And, then, they signed their own death warrants buy signing the Declaration of Independence. They knew if the colonies lost the war they would be hunted men. But they did it anyway. They didn't pass it on to the next generation to do the dirty work. July 1, 1776 is the day that the first vote was taken on the Declaration of Independence.
It's easy to talk about being a hero. Standing up for what's right or good. But the ones that back up that talk with actions are the ones that are truly the hero's. Even us single parents are hero's in a way. We decided to give the best of ourselves to our children. Even at a huge cost to our lives, we have taken the steps to teach or children that it is okay to be the person that will stand up and say this is not right and I will not live my life like this.
It's a hard thing to do the right thing. It's really hard to make a life altering change. Hard to walk away from a man/woman you once loved because it just isn't right anymore. Hard to refuse to move in the face of prejudice. Hard to sign your own death warrant. Hard to be the person that history remembers and school children talk about for hundreds of years to come. Hard to be the single parent who is struggling because they want only the best for their children.
I would rather be the person doing the right thing for the right reasons and be alone than the person doing the wrong things and be surrounded by others.
Are you KIDDING me?
"Hey lets meet up after work."
Time for a patented blank stare from the BEAN and then she returns to her work like nothing was said. Because, really, what can be said about that without making a scene?
Time for a patented blank stare from the BEAN and then she returns to her work like nothing was said. Because, really, what can be said about that without making a scene?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Alice and Wonderland
Which the real title is "Through the Looking Glass" or something like that. All of the fairy tales that I read and my parents read and my own children read are actually watered down versions of the originals. I have an early publication of the Brother's Grimm fairy tales. And let me tell you...The little mermaid does not get price charming. I think she dies. And Snow White? Well, her fate wasn't much better. So when people mention say to me..." You are waiting for a fairy tale." I kind of chuckle and say which one? The real fairy tale or the watered down happy ending Disney version of a fairy tale.
My oldest girl Tate got a "Little Mermaid" nightgown for her birthday. That's what led me down the road of "Do you know what really happened to..."
Of course, I have to play that game in my head, considering my daughters would be traumatised by realizing that little princess' don't always have happy endings waiting for them. They are too young for a realistic view of the world anyway. Tate has enough to deal with considering her father has left her life (for good I think this time).
But why do we ALWAYS have to give happy unrealistic endings to these stories? Everyone does not always end up living happily ever after just because they are princes and princess'. It doesn't show what it really takes to have two people be together and all of the hard work that goes into it. I mean, all the prince has to do is find the chick with the foot that fits in his slipper. Then they kiss and the world is grand.
I have a hard time finding the right mix of reality and imagination to pass on to my daughters. I want them to always want fireworks and happily ever after but at the same time what them to understand that it doesn't just happen. And they won't have me as a real role model because I honestly don't see myself involved with anyone else for a long while. So they WILL see me working hard, going to school, finishing a degree, taking care of the house work, them, and cooking. But they will only see ME doing it. Not me and a partner. So how will they know that it's GOOD and OKAY to share their lives with someone if they don't see ME doing it?
Will they even know HOW to share if all that I teach them is to do it themselves?
My oldest girl Tate got a "Little Mermaid" nightgown for her birthday. That's what led me down the road of "Do you know what really happened to..."
Of course, I have to play that game in my head, considering my daughters would be traumatised by realizing that little princess' don't always have happy endings waiting for them. They are too young for a realistic view of the world anyway. Tate has enough to deal with considering her father has left her life (for good I think this time).
But why do we ALWAYS have to give happy unrealistic endings to these stories? Everyone does not always end up living happily ever after just because they are princes and princess'. It doesn't show what it really takes to have two people be together and all of the hard work that goes into it. I mean, all the prince has to do is find the chick with the foot that fits in his slipper. Then they kiss and the world is grand.
I have a hard time finding the right mix of reality and imagination to pass on to my daughters. I want them to always want fireworks and happily ever after but at the same time what them to understand that it doesn't just happen. And they won't have me as a real role model because I honestly don't see myself involved with anyone else for a long while. So they WILL see me working hard, going to school, finishing a degree, taking care of the house work, them, and cooking. But they will only see ME doing it. Not me and a partner. So how will they know that it's GOOD and OKAY to share their lives with someone if they don't see ME doing it?
Will they even know HOW to share if all that I teach them is to do it themselves?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Time flying by...
I haven't been able to write for a while. Not only has my computer been crashed and at a friends house awaiting fixing, but I have been so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't put my thoughts into any sort of cohesive shape.
I can honestly say that I had never thought having a house was that much more work. But it has been. I am still finding that stray box or stack of something that needs a place. A picture that needs hung ...that kind of stuff on top of just taking care of it is a little bit tiring. But I am accepting the fact that I can not do everything everyday. But we are getting better at picking up and taking care of a little bit everyday. I am a little annoyed at the number of mosquito's that are around and biting this year.
Still have to see Jeff everyday at work. SIGH. Apparently we are friends again. Apparently he doesn't get it. I could say more about this and I might tomorrow. Why couldn't he stay in the department he was in? He liked it just fine. But no, he had to come to my office. GRRR. He told me that he misses me. I said, what does Renee think about that? (You know. That woman you are LIVING with?) So, he is still an idiot. Nothing changed there.
My little Tate is turning four tomorrow. She is just growing up sooo fast. And Boo is starting the potty training. YIKES.
I have to go to court again tomorrow and do the contempt thing for him not paying child support. Still haven't gotten anything since September...but he swears he has a job. And that if he goes to jail he'll lose his job. Well, news for him, they will make him serve his jail time on his days off. Because, I am sure I will never see a dime of that support. He also wants to get rid of his visitation rights. But that is based on my stopping the child support. Which, I don't believe I could do. But I would almost be willing if it kept that man away from Tate. He has really come unhinged lately and I mean in the screaming yelling, I am afraid to send her over there kind of way. Before it was just that I hated how she came home acting so horrible but now I really fear for her safety.
I will post an update tomorrow. Just so exhausted today.
I can honestly say that I had never thought having a house was that much more work. But it has been. I am still finding that stray box or stack of something that needs a place. A picture that needs hung ...that kind of stuff on top of just taking care of it is a little bit tiring. But I am accepting the fact that I can not do everything everyday. But we are getting better at picking up and taking care of a little bit everyday. I am a little annoyed at the number of mosquito's that are around and biting this year.
Still have to see Jeff everyday at work. SIGH. Apparently we are friends again. Apparently he doesn't get it. I could say more about this and I might tomorrow. Why couldn't he stay in the department he was in? He liked it just fine. But no, he had to come to my office. GRRR. He told me that he misses me. I said, what does Renee think about that? (You know. That woman you are LIVING with?) So, he is still an idiot. Nothing changed there.
My little Tate is turning four tomorrow. She is just growing up sooo fast. And Boo is starting the potty training. YIKES.
I have to go to court again tomorrow and do the contempt thing for him not paying child support. Still haven't gotten anything since September...but he swears he has a job. And that if he goes to jail he'll lose his job. Well, news for him, they will make him serve his jail time on his days off. Because, I am sure I will never see a dime of that support. He also wants to get rid of his visitation rights. But that is based on my stopping the child support. Which, I don't believe I could do. But I would almost be willing if it kept that man away from Tate. He has really come unhinged lately and I mean in the screaming yelling, I am afraid to send her over there kind of way. Before it was just that I hated how she came home acting so horrible but now I really fear for her safety.
I will post an update tomorrow. Just so exhausted today.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Ten Commandments
This is a really catty post. I am sure there will be more. There are certain boundaries you should NOT cross after dating someone that you also must work with. It's been a very bad couple of weeks. Hence, my 10 commandments :
1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of others...in fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)
Wow, can I post that at work, do you think? Course, Jeff is so clueless that he probably wouldn't even notice that it was about us. Idiot. Not that I really am upset about what we had being over...it's the way he is acting now. What a freaking mess! UGH.
1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of others...in fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)
Wow, can I post that at work, do you think? Course, Jeff is so clueless that he probably wouldn't even notice that it was about us. Idiot. Not that I really am upset about what we had being over...it's the way he is acting now. What a freaking mess! UGH.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
BLAH
I've been sitting here thinking. Always a troubling and potentially dangerous activity for me to engage in. Especially when I am so frustrated with myself I could scream.
How do I get myself into these messy situations? Am I really this idiotic? I could have sworn that I was once a fairly intelligent person. But, see, when you make the same mistake more than twice...well, most start to doubt that.
For every bit of intelligent I am there is also that intuitive side of me. I seem to lose my mind occasionally and decide to live. It's like I have two sides to myself that are constantly at war.
One side that is totally rational, easy going, content to live out life doing what I do and just settling for whatever comes my way. And this other part...well...it wants fairy tale fire works. The whole kitten caboodle. I want to feel the fire! Hell, I want to jump into the fire and dance.
Then...I jump into the fire and dance...and man do I get burned. But do I learn my lesson? NOPE. Just hop out and back in.
I'm SMART! Why do I know better and still STILL run right back. It's the feeling, the craving, for that fire. It's the desire for the fire that makes me refuse to settle "just because I should". It's the wanting to share yourself with someone, really sharing everything, that makes me want more. It's wanting to be comfortable with myself and my place. It's THAT I want most.
How do I get myself into these messy situations? Am I really this idiotic? I could have sworn that I was once a fairly intelligent person. But, see, when you make the same mistake more than twice...well, most start to doubt that.
For every bit of intelligent I am there is also that intuitive side of me. I seem to lose my mind occasionally and decide to live. It's like I have two sides to myself that are constantly at war.
One side that is totally rational, easy going, content to live out life doing what I do and just settling for whatever comes my way. And this other part...well...it wants fairy tale fire works. The whole kitten caboodle. I want to feel the fire! Hell, I want to jump into the fire and dance.
Then...I jump into the fire and dance...and man do I get burned. But do I learn my lesson? NOPE. Just hop out and back in.
I'm SMART! Why do I know better and still STILL run right back. It's the feeling, the craving, for that fire. It's the desire for the fire that makes me refuse to settle "just because I should". It's the wanting to share yourself with someone, really sharing everything, that makes me want more. It's wanting to be comfortable with myself and my place. It's THAT I want most.
Monday, May 18, 2009
How a Bean gets fried
My nickname came to me when I was hanging out with some friends in Wendy's about 11 years ago. We had imbibed a few less than legal things at that time and found it very hilarious to make a nickname up for me. I was the only one without one back then. They tried several out and we laughed for about an hour. Then my sister (being as brilliantly sarcastic as I am) says...
"You shall be the BEAN!"...this is met with blank stares...(not that the eyes weren't already glazed over but even blanker than that)
"Uh, why?" B inquires.
"Because she has so many sides...Jumping bean when she's nervous, Mean Bean when she's mad, Queen Bean when she's in charge, Green bean when she's puking, and Fried Bean (our personal favorite) when , well, she's fried."
And that is how my nickname came to be over some fries dipped in frosty at the old Wendys with four hilarious girlfriends who still to this day (along with the rest of my family) call me BEAN. And that's why I smile when AC comments ...I can add butter bean to my list now :)
"You shall be the BEAN!"...this is met with blank stares...(not that the eyes weren't already glazed over but even blanker than that)
"Uh, why?" B inquires.
"Because she has so many sides...Jumping bean when she's nervous, Mean Bean when she's mad, Queen Bean when she's in charge, Green bean when she's puking, and Fried Bean (our personal favorite) when , well, she's fried."
And that is how my nickname came to be over some fries dipped in frosty at the old Wendys with four hilarious girlfriends who still to this day (along with the rest of my family) call me BEAN. And that's why I smile when AC comments ...I can add butter bean to my list now :)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Ghosts and Mother's Day
I have a lot of ghosts that haunt me. The flit in and out of my mind and life at odd minutes. Thoughts of things lost and gained. Trying to find the strength to go day to day. Finding the strength and still feeling like I'm lacking. Deep thoughts.
My grammy. I miss her so much. She was the greatest woman. Her husband died really young. My own dad was only nineteen when my grandpa had a massive heart attack and died on the front lawn. Just like that. I never knew him obviously. But I would take her to the cemetery whenever she wanted to go. And she would walk up to his grave and put her hand on his grave stone and whisper "Oh, Jim, why did it have to be this way?" Then she would stand quietly for moment and stare. Straighten up. Then she would say she was finished and ready to go home. And that was all.
To her dying day she never said a bad word about her husband. Even though I am sure she was a little bitter that she had to go to work and support her family without him. Her family came from "old" money. She had never wanted for anything in life growing up. She was strong enough to laugh through the rest of her life. She always had something witty to say for any situation. Anything. And the stories she would tell about her life were classics. Of course, I never really knew what was fact and what was fiction but she always made her point.
I guess it's comforting that I come from that woman's' genes. That strength is probably hardwired into me.
My other grandmother (my maw maw) came from a completely different background. She was the daughter for Sicilian immigrants. They spoke no English at all when they came to America. They scrapped every penny and worked hard in the factories to make a good life in America. My grandfather was an alcoholic that overcame his demons sometime after I was born. But still, my grandmother remembers those times. Less now, I think, that my grandfather is gone, but still she carries those memories. She had seven children, one that died three days after he was born. And, yet, the bitterness of those memories rarely show. She is a little harder than my grammy was. A little more worn by life. But she never questioned that what she did was the right thing. She has never said that she would have rathered have another kind of life. She is the one that gave me this advice "When you marry, marry your best friend."
My own mother was the child of and alcoholic father and an immigrant mother. And Irish man and Sicilian woman came together to create my mother (and yes the temper runs hot in me too at times) :) My mother who married the wrong man for her the first time, the second time, the third time.
She worked two jobs to send us to private schools so that we could have a great education. She would drink milk for breakfast lunch and dinner when there was only enough food for us kids and none for her. She paid the bills and cleaned the house. She loved us enough to keep our bellies full and a roof over our head when it would have been easier to maybe do something else. I would fall asleep when I was little listening to her pounding away on the typewriter keys as she typed out mortgage information late into the night for her second job. My mom never missed a single tennis match, volleyball, baseball, basketball game. She was THERE. We never had a single thing that my friends did. No cable, pizza, fast food, phone in our rooms, only one tv in the house. But what those other kids missed out on...MY MOM WAS THERE.
And through all of my mistakes, my drama, my heartache and my joy...she has been there. She has held my hand, counted out contractions, dried my tears.
These are the women that are my examples. The women that I want my girls to be. The greatest sum of all of the parts. The heartbeat of the family. The drier of tears. The humanity that humanity has lost. I want my children to laugh through the trials...work for what they want...hold the hands that need held.
In my girls I see my grammys impishness, my maw maws bs detector, my mothers compassion. Already they are little bits of the best parts. And it's a beautiful mother's day gift to realize that maybe someday one of them will be sitting here adding me to the list of the great women who made them the people they will be....
My grammy. I miss her so much. She was the greatest woman. Her husband died really young. My own dad was only nineteen when my grandpa had a massive heart attack and died on the front lawn. Just like that. I never knew him obviously. But I would take her to the cemetery whenever she wanted to go. And she would walk up to his grave and put her hand on his grave stone and whisper "Oh, Jim, why did it have to be this way?" Then she would stand quietly for moment and stare. Straighten up. Then she would say she was finished and ready to go home. And that was all.
To her dying day she never said a bad word about her husband. Even though I am sure she was a little bitter that she had to go to work and support her family without him. Her family came from "old" money. She had never wanted for anything in life growing up. She was strong enough to laugh through the rest of her life. She always had something witty to say for any situation. Anything. And the stories she would tell about her life were classics. Of course, I never really knew what was fact and what was fiction but she always made her point.
I guess it's comforting that I come from that woman's' genes. That strength is probably hardwired into me.
My other grandmother (my maw maw) came from a completely different background. She was the daughter for Sicilian immigrants. They spoke no English at all when they came to America. They scrapped every penny and worked hard in the factories to make a good life in America. My grandfather was an alcoholic that overcame his demons sometime after I was born. But still, my grandmother remembers those times. Less now, I think, that my grandfather is gone, but still she carries those memories. She had seven children, one that died three days after he was born. And, yet, the bitterness of those memories rarely show. She is a little harder than my grammy was. A little more worn by life. But she never questioned that what she did was the right thing. She has never said that she would have rathered have another kind of life. She is the one that gave me this advice "When you marry, marry your best friend."
My own mother was the child of and alcoholic father and an immigrant mother. And Irish man and Sicilian woman came together to create my mother (and yes the temper runs hot in me too at times) :) My mother who married the wrong man for her the first time, the second time, the third time.
She worked two jobs to send us to private schools so that we could have a great education. She would drink milk for breakfast lunch and dinner when there was only enough food for us kids and none for her. She paid the bills and cleaned the house. She loved us enough to keep our bellies full and a roof over our head when it would have been easier to maybe do something else. I would fall asleep when I was little listening to her pounding away on the typewriter keys as she typed out mortgage information late into the night for her second job. My mom never missed a single tennis match, volleyball, baseball, basketball game. She was THERE. We never had a single thing that my friends did. No cable, pizza, fast food, phone in our rooms, only one tv in the house. But what those other kids missed out on...MY MOM WAS THERE.
And through all of my mistakes, my drama, my heartache and my joy...she has been there. She has held my hand, counted out contractions, dried my tears.
These are the women that are my examples. The women that I want my girls to be. The greatest sum of all of the parts. The heartbeat of the family. The drier of tears. The humanity that humanity has lost. I want my children to laugh through the trials...work for what they want...hold the hands that need held.
In my girls I see my grammys impishness, my maw maws bs detector, my mothers compassion. Already they are little bits of the best parts. And it's a beautiful mother's day gift to realize that maybe someday one of them will be sitting here adding me to the list of the great women who made them the people they will be....
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Reformers
One of the attributes of some people that bothers me the most is what I call reformer syndrome. People who stop smoking are suddenly the hardest on the smokers. Stop drinking? Well, drinking if for dummy's. They stop driving gas cars and say we are all killing the environment. Some reformed people just suck.
I got this call from a girl I haven't spoken to in years. Just a friend and we had been close at one time...but children marriage and distance were all factors in us not speaking much anymore. Well, she calls and apparently, she was baptized recently. (Yeah, baptism seems to be a theme in my friends lives right now. You would think there was a sale or something). But she decides to go on and on about the grace of God. Jesus. The Resurrection. Two whole hours. And in this time she starts quoting bible verses. The wrong verses for the wrong points she was trying to make. I had to tell her she was wrong. Really, had to set her straight. Then she says to me...what do you know about the bible? You might have been baptized but have most definitely fallen from grace.
Now at this point I would have normally given up on the conversation and pinched one my kids to get some screaming action so I could politely get off of the phone (and yes, I'm joking about the pinching). But I felt compelled to get her true opinion on the matter. And it basically boiled down to the fact that she believed there would never be anything I could do to redeem myself for having a child out of wedlock. Then I had to remind her that her first two children both had different fathers, so does that mean that she is also unsaveable? She says that she was baptized after the fact so her sins are forgiven. So do I just need to go get re baptized every time I sin? I didn't get it then. I don't get it now...
So here I open to the floor to the various religious beliefs that float around. Anyone have any opinions (not on me personally...but more the subject of baptizism and sins and all that) ?
I got this call from a girl I haven't spoken to in years. Just a friend and we had been close at one time...but children marriage and distance were all factors in us not speaking much anymore. Well, she calls and apparently, she was baptized recently. (Yeah, baptism seems to be a theme in my friends lives right now. You would think there was a sale or something). But she decides to go on and on about the grace of God. Jesus. The Resurrection. Two whole hours. And in this time she starts quoting bible verses. The wrong verses for the wrong points she was trying to make. I had to tell her she was wrong. Really, had to set her straight. Then she says to me...what do you know about the bible? You might have been baptized but have most definitely fallen from grace.
Now at this point I would have normally given up on the conversation and pinched one my kids to get some screaming action so I could politely get off of the phone (and yes, I'm joking about the pinching). But I felt compelled to get her true opinion on the matter. And it basically boiled down to the fact that she believed there would never be anything I could do to redeem myself for having a child out of wedlock. Then I had to remind her that her first two children both had different fathers, so does that mean that she is also unsaveable? She says that she was baptized after the fact so her sins are forgiven. So do I just need to go get re baptized every time I sin? I didn't get it then. I don't get it now...
So here I open to the floor to the various religious beliefs that float around. Anyone have any opinions (not on me personally...but more the subject of baptizism and sins and all that) ?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
THE story
So let me just say that I am pretty much over everything that happened between Jeff and I. I kinda roll my eyes about it and say "well ole girl, you should have listened to yourself...cut him loose the last time". It all really comes down to the fact that I loved the person that he was when we first started dating. I loved the person I knew he could be. But that wasn't the real him anymore and I just didn't want to make the choice between having nothing and just having him around because I had nothing else. Does that make sense? Even though I knew it wasn't going to last, I just rathered have sorta something with someone...just for a little while :) And like I said a million times. He was REALLY good in bed so I overlooked the other stuff for a while. I'm really only writing about this because I want it down somewhere and truly the story is sooo ridiculous. So here is how it all went down. '
We had still been doing our once a week thing and what not. Then about a month ago he started texting me a lot. All of the sudden. And calling and talking. I'm thinking, what's up with this? But I let him just because, well, I was still a little bit in love (or lust) and didn't have anyone else so, shrug.Then I get an email from his GIRLFRIEND!!!! Saying that he had been cheating on her with me and just wanted to warn me about what a loser he was and that they had broken up. Apparently, someone had emailed her to tell her this and then someone got into his email and forwarded her a bunch of emails that we had sent. UMMM they were very uh explicit emails. So I responded that I was sorry, and that I hadn't know about her. Which even though I suspected I didn't know for sure. Jeff never said a word. So I felt a little weird. I didn't tell Jeff about it, don't know why. Well, no, I figured he already knew and wasn't saying anything either. So then she apparently tells him at some point that we had been emailing. And Jeff gets pissed at ME! Doesn't tell me why. Just acts like its all my fault. Because the woman who originally emailed his girlfriend said she was a friend of mine. But based on the info I have it doesn't sound like anyone I know. And added to that...really not my fault anyway. So he gives me this big thing about how he doesn't want to raise kids (well, he REALLY shoulda thought about that a little harder) and just a bunch of bull shit. So I kept pushing at him just to piss him off. Because if he goes away because he's pissed then he'll stay away. If I went away because I was pissed he'd be back. Just the way he operates. So farewell to bad news kinda thing, ya know?
Then last week, I find the bible in my car that I had given him. OKAY? So I text him like you really didn't have to give that back. He replies with...me and renee got baptised together on saturday.were going to be 2gether. im moving in with her. thanks for letting me use the bible....of course, i had to respond like a smart ass because, well, i just had to. it was a shitty thing for him to do and say. so i say, oh. get saved to live in sin. makes sense. well i'll talk to you when that doesn't work out...I get this text that says she is just like me only her kids are older. REALLY! Well that's an excellent reason to be with somebody. Good luck with that. Then I blocked his number from my phone because, if he was moving in with someone else then there was no WAY i was going to play his games anymore.
I know, I was being totally bitchy about it. But really, there are like at least ten other things sitting in his apartment that i'm sure remind him of me that I would have rather had (can you believe that's what bothers me?) But then I realized that the bible had my name on it. HA. So THAT'S why I got it back and not the other stuff. Okay, so that's where the story ends. For the most part at least.
So I sat and thought about it for like a day or so. Originally he cheated on my with her. And she thinks this is going to work? I wonder about that. It just doesn't make any sense. But maybe she is thinking the same thing as I did. That something is better than nothing. Everyone has been asking me for the last to weeks, what's wrong with Jeff? I just say, I don't know, we don't talk. Course, I get these looks, like yeah right.
I wonder what he told her about me to get back in her good graces. Seriously. If I had found out that the guy I was really serious about had been sleeping with someone else the whole time we were supposed to be together...I don't think any excuse would have been good enough. I am sure he made himself the victim. He usually does that. Like, oh i didn't really want to be with her but she just tempted me so much, or she was just nothing to me. I know he always tries to convince himself that we were never together really and so that excuses everything he did. Probably made me out to be some psychotic nymphomaniac. I guess if that's what he needs to do to sleep at night then, okay.
And, they got baptized together? okay, this is where my thoughts led me on that. She said to him that they could be baptized and I would be gone from their lives for good. It's the kind of thing I would have said if I was desperate to forget that the man I loved had been sleeping with someone else. Like washing the taint of someone else from our bodies. I hope the whole thing works out for him, really kinda do. I just wonder if he realizes getting baptized doesn't mean a thing if you are doing it for the wrong reason. Or if you are not being honest with yourself on who you are and want to be.
The other thing I don't think he realizes is that once you cheat on someone, you pay for that forever. She will never trust him. He will be on lockdown for the rest of his life. Nomatter what she tries to tell herself with the baptism thing. It will always be right there in the back of her mind. And everytime they sleep together she will wonder if I am really there in his bed too. He doesn't get that because he has never been cheated on. That's not according to him. But I know how men usually act when they have been cheated on and that is not how he acts at all. And now he is doubly damned because he is moving in with her. Once the glow from being baptized fades I think he is going to have a reality check like no other. And she will too. I feel bad for her. Well, a little, at least. She knows this time what he did and still chose to be with him. I honestly think this is going to get very messy for both of them. But Jeff is a good actor. So maybe not. I'd feel bad if she got hurt again though. I mean, I know how it feels to be cheated on. That's the only reason that I know what will be going through her head. As much as she won't want it too, the thoughts will be there.
Which kinda makes me feel a little bad for him (not much because this is all his fault). I mean, I think I emotionally let him go a long time ago. Accepted that, yeah, I might love him but like the other men I've loved, and still do, that he just wasn't the one for me. He is just too toxic. And now, he is acting holier than thou because of being baptized. Oh, I'm not like that anymore. I got baptized. That's good I guess. Maybe he will stop lying and cheating and making up stories to make himself look better to other people. Maybe he will stop moaning and whining about work.
But here is a secret. When him and his girlfriend were broken up, well, he was happy. Like the old guy I used to know. Not just the way he was treating me, but really happy with life. So, I wonder, if that's what settling down with some mold of what you expect the perfect partner to be...well, I really need to revise my idea of the perfect partner. Course, I'm not going to settle because of guilt or desperation so I probably won't end up like them at all. It took me a couple of weeks to really say goodbye for good to him, in my heart. I mean, he was in my life for three years.
But I feel really good right now. I am moving and looking for a new job. Both stressful things but I feel like I am actually doing something other than sitting here and letting life happen to me. So to wrap this up. I wish the best for Jeff and his girlfriend. I just wish better for myself :)
We had still been doing our once a week thing and what not. Then about a month ago he started texting me a lot. All of the sudden. And calling and talking. I'm thinking, what's up with this? But I let him just because, well, I was still a little bit in love (or lust) and didn't have anyone else so, shrug.Then I get an email from his GIRLFRIEND!!!! Saying that he had been cheating on her with me and just wanted to warn me about what a loser he was and that they had broken up. Apparently, someone had emailed her to tell her this and then someone got into his email and forwarded her a bunch of emails that we had sent. UMMM they were very uh explicit emails. So I responded that I was sorry, and that I hadn't know about her. Which even though I suspected I didn't know for sure. Jeff never said a word. So I felt a little weird. I didn't tell Jeff about it, don't know why. Well, no, I figured he already knew and wasn't saying anything either. So then she apparently tells him at some point that we had been emailing. And Jeff gets pissed at ME! Doesn't tell me why. Just acts like its all my fault. Because the woman who originally emailed his girlfriend said she was a friend of mine. But based on the info I have it doesn't sound like anyone I know. And added to that...really not my fault anyway. So he gives me this big thing about how he doesn't want to raise kids (well, he REALLY shoulda thought about that a little harder) and just a bunch of bull shit. So I kept pushing at him just to piss him off. Because if he goes away because he's pissed then he'll stay away. If I went away because I was pissed he'd be back. Just the way he operates. So farewell to bad news kinda thing, ya know?
Then last week, I find the bible in my car that I had given him. OKAY? So I text him like you really didn't have to give that back. He replies with...me and renee got baptised together on saturday.were going to be 2gether. im moving in with her. thanks for letting me use the bible....of course, i had to respond like a smart ass because, well, i just had to. it was a shitty thing for him to do and say. so i say, oh. get saved to live in sin. makes sense. well i'll talk to you when that doesn't work out...I get this text that says she is just like me only her kids are older. REALLY! Well that's an excellent reason to be with somebody. Good luck with that. Then I blocked his number from my phone because, if he was moving in with someone else then there was no WAY i was going to play his games anymore.
I know, I was being totally bitchy about it. But really, there are like at least ten other things sitting in his apartment that i'm sure remind him of me that I would have rather had (can you believe that's what bothers me?) But then I realized that the bible had my name on it. HA. So THAT'S why I got it back and not the other stuff. Okay, so that's where the story ends. For the most part at least.
So I sat and thought about it for like a day or so. Originally he cheated on my with her. And she thinks this is going to work? I wonder about that. It just doesn't make any sense. But maybe she is thinking the same thing as I did. That something is better than nothing. Everyone has been asking me for the last to weeks, what's wrong with Jeff? I just say, I don't know, we don't talk. Course, I get these looks, like yeah right.
I wonder what he told her about me to get back in her good graces. Seriously. If I had found out that the guy I was really serious about had been sleeping with someone else the whole time we were supposed to be together...I don't think any excuse would have been good enough. I am sure he made himself the victim. He usually does that. Like, oh i didn't really want to be with her but she just tempted me so much, or she was just nothing to me. I know he always tries to convince himself that we were never together really and so that excuses everything he did. Probably made me out to be some psychotic nymphomaniac. I guess if that's what he needs to do to sleep at night then, okay.
And, they got baptized together? okay, this is where my thoughts led me on that. She said to him that they could be baptized and I would be gone from their lives for good. It's the kind of thing I would have said if I was desperate to forget that the man I loved had been sleeping with someone else. Like washing the taint of someone else from our bodies. I hope the whole thing works out for him, really kinda do. I just wonder if he realizes getting baptized doesn't mean a thing if you are doing it for the wrong reason. Or if you are not being honest with yourself on who you are and want to be.
The other thing I don't think he realizes is that once you cheat on someone, you pay for that forever. She will never trust him. He will be on lockdown for the rest of his life. Nomatter what she tries to tell herself with the baptism thing. It will always be right there in the back of her mind. And everytime they sleep together she will wonder if I am really there in his bed too. He doesn't get that because he has never been cheated on. That's not according to him. But I know how men usually act when they have been cheated on and that is not how he acts at all. And now he is doubly damned because he is moving in with her. Once the glow from being baptized fades I think he is going to have a reality check like no other. And she will too. I feel bad for her. Well, a little, at least. She knows this time what he did and still chose to be with him. I honestly think this is going to get very messy for both of them. But Jeff is a good actor. So maybe not. I'd feel bad if she got hurt again though. I mean, I know how it feels to be cheated on. That's the only reason that I know what will be going through her head. As much as she won't want it too, the thoughts will be there.
Which kinda makes me feel a little bad for him (not much because this is all his fault). I mean, I think I emotionally let him go a long time ago. Accepted that, yeah, I might love him but like the other men I've loved, and still do, that he just wasn't the one for me. He is just too toxic. And now, he is acting holier than thou because of being baptized. Oh, I'm not like that anymore. I got baptized. That's good I guess. Maybe he will stop lying and cheating and making up stories to make himself look better to other people. Maybe he will stop moaning and whining about work.
But here is a secret. When him and his girlfriend were broken up, well, he was happy. Like the old guy I used to know. Not just the way he was treating me, but really happy with life. So, I wonder, if that's what settling down with some mold of what you expect the perfect partner to be...well, I really need to revise my idea of the perfect partner. Course, I'm not going to settle because of guilt or desperation so I probably won't end up like them at all. It took me a couple of weeks to really say goodbye for good to him, in my heart. I mean, he was in my life for three years.
But I feel really good right now. I am moving and looking for a new job. Both stressful things but I feel like I am actually doing something other than sitting here and letting life happen to me. So to wrap this up. I wish the best for Jeff and his girlfriend. I just wish better for myself :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
On the way to Walgreens
We drive through a neighborhood....
"There's a fat man and a dog mommy." Tate...
"We shouldn't call people fat Tate...it's mean and might hurt someones feelings." me..
"But mom, he's a man and he is really fat..."Tate...
Now really...how are you supposed to regulate THAT?
"There's a fat man and a dog mommy." Tate...
"We shouldn't call people fat Tate...it's mean and might hurt someones feelings." me..
"But mom, he's a man and he is really fat..."Tate...
Now really...how are you supposed to regulate THAT?
WOW
Well, yeah, so I guess I'm a fibber too! I have every intention and need to write and yet haven't made the time for it in lets see....a MONTH! With so much happening I'll just write as it comes I guess...
There has been more to the Jeff story and I'll write about that when I am feeling a little more capable of using big words that are almost cuss words but not really. Needless to say...he is officially gone...but the story behind it is so ridiculous that I just HAVE to post it here...and I will...maybe tonight after a drink or two.
The job and hours I have been working have really gotten to me. I used to love my job even though I worked with the drivers and stuff and that could sometimes be a little nauseating. But I felt good about what I did and most days even loved going to work. This thing I have to do now is not a job. It's hell. These new people hate me. Doesn't that sound whiny? Maybe a little dramatic? Nope, the I was seriously told the other day that they hate me and they think I half ass everything. Which I can't really defend myself against because I don't even know WHAT I am supposed to be doing. INSANE! So I am looking for another job obviously. But with everything the way it is right now I don't even know where to start. On top of that this new boss really doesn't want me there and is using every click over my start time as an excuse to fire me. Pleasant, huh? I just want to not show up anymore. It's depressing. And there is absolutely nothing I like about that job right now. No positives at all.
We are getting ready to move to a HOUSE in like a week. I found one that was less expensive than this apartment...I think I wrote about it here...maybe not. But I am excited and nervous. There is sooo much packing to get done. People are seriously going to hate me. I just never get anything packed up like I need to. SIGH.
I thought I was heading for a major depression for about a week there. Kinda hit rock bottom with taking care of the kids and all that. Laundry was piled up to the ceiling. Don't know what happened but I snapped out of it.
Tate is getting to be quite the little smart mouth. She is not intimidated at all by any threats. Any actions. She just says...go ahead. GROAN. She is only four!
Boo is speaking in sentences and trying to potty train herself. Not that I'm not helping her but she has figured out how to take off her diaper and just stands in front of the potty and goes. We are still working on telling mommy so that I can get her on the potty! Well, more later...like I said...I really gotta get the Jeff stuff off my chest...but only after a well deserved glass of wine. :)
There has been more to the Jeff story and I'll write about that when I am feeling a little more capable of using big words that are almost cuss words but not really. Needless to say...he is officially gone...but the story behind it is so ridiculous that I just HAVE to post it here...and I will...maybe tonight after a drink or two.
The job and hours I have been working have really gotten to me. I used to love my job even though I worked with the drivers and stuff and that could sometimes be a little nauseating. But I felt good about what I did and most days even loved going to work. This thing I have to do now is not a job. It's hell. These new people hate me. Doesn't that sound whiny? Maybe a little dramatic? Nope, the I was seriously told the other day that they hate me and they think I half ass everything. Which I can't really defend myself against because I don't even know WHAT I am supposed to be doing. INSANE! So I am looking for another job obviously. But with everything the way it is right now I don't even know where to start. On top of that this new boss really doesn't want me there and is using every click over my start time as an excuse to fire me. Pleasant, huh? I just want to not show up anymore. It's depressing. And there is absolutely nothing I like about that job right now. No positives at all.
We are getting ready to move to a HOUSE in like a week. I found one that was less expensive than this apartment...I think I wrote about it here...maybe not. But I am excited and nervous. There is sooo much packing to get done. People are seriously going to hate me. I just never get anything packed up like I need to. SIGH.
I thought I was heading for a major depression for about a week there. Kinda hit rock bottom with taking care of the kids and all that. Laundry was piled up to the ceiling. Don't know what happened but I snapped out of it.
Tate is getting to be quite the little smart mouth. She is not intimidated at all by any threats. Any actions. She just says...go ahead. GROAN. She is only four!
Boo is speaking in sentences and trying to potty train herself. Not that I'm not helping her but she has figured out how to take off her diaper and just stands in front of the potty and goes. We are still working on telling mommy so that I can get her on the potty! Well, more later...like I said...I really gotta get the Jeff stuff off my chest...but only after a well deserved glass of wine. :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I'M STILL HERE
I haven't had the time to write for a really long while. I am trying to adjust to this new schedule at work...4am start is killing me when I was used to working at noon! New job with the same company with sooo much stress it's incredible. I think I came home every night the first week and cried. The new supervisors treat me like crap. A simple word that really describes so much of my job right now. So, I am applying at other places and just putting my feelers out right now.
The kiddos are doing really wonderful with the whole schedule change, which is such a blessing. I am missing spending the mornings with them but I get three days off now so we have a good time...
I wish I could write more but I have to be up in four hours!
The kiddos are doing really wonderful with the whole schedule change, which is such a blessing. I am missing spending the mornings with them but I get three days off now so we have a good time...
I wish I could write more but I have to be up in four hours!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
It's Been A While
This is one of those jib jab kind of posts that will go everywhere and nowhere...
I have had to take a break from blogging because my thoughts were in complete chaos and my spelling was horrible. The kids were sick...still are...but at least they are sleeping sick now. And momma can breathe.
Against better judgement and all advice I am continuing to take my ex back to court. The last hearing was continued for another month until April. Brilliant. And in the mean time my daughter has no resolution to the "where's my daddy" question. Okay. The entire story is much more complicated than that but there is just the outline. He doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. Well, no. As he told the magistrate..."I love my daughter but I am not putting up with this woman's shit anymore."...Yes, he said that. In a courtroom. Really. I think my eyes were huge. I don't think cussing at the judge wins you any brownie points superhero.
Since my last post I have fallen off the Jeff wagon twice. Sigh. But, I don't really feel bad about it. Maybe I need a sponsor for my JA addiction. :)
And my work schedule has just changed to some crazy hours.
But still, ok. OKAY. I'm okay. Well, no.
Has anyone else contemplated just getting a live in for the sheer convenience of it? Not that I have a perspective partner or anything like that. But this winter has really kicked my skinny little self.
In the middle of that contemplation I realized something. I don't want someone else nosing around in my life. I like my life. Just want a little help once and a while. But maybe I am just wanting too much. I can't picture being with anyone seriously. I just can't. Every time I start to picture my life with someone I think about how my life will change and I don't feel like I have any more to give to another person.
I have had a lot of faith crisis lately. Had to take a few steps back and remember the simple things that REALLY matter.
My mind is very cluttered with the big things, well, with all things. Most people think in lines or even circles...I think in polka dots.
But through the last few weeks I have learned sooo many truths. One, just because you want to make something better for your children, doesn't mean it will happen. Sometimes, my little ones are going to have to be disappointed. They are going to have to live with that. They are going to have my help but they must ultimately learn to heal and move on themselves. Two, my actions are their reactions. They learn everything from me. I am the one person that they rely on to teach them the things in life they will need to have to be happy and well adjusted women (oh, my, my babies are going to be WOMEN someday !).
Three, Even in my lowest, sickest, most depressed sad moment, I still have two lives depending on me and me alone. I cannot fail. I will not fail THEM. I still have the ability to get up and take care of them. For that I am thankful.
Four, God will take care of everything in His own time. I forget that sometimes. I get impatient and frustrated. I forget that my life is on His timeline. I have lessons to learn, joys to experience, hurts to get over. But that is part of His plan for me and my life. I don't know where it leads. But I have to follow my heart and trust in something greater than myself.
I am a firm believer in the fact that you are never given more than you can handle. And, surprisingly, I haven't been given anything that I can't handle. There were times when life brought me to my knees, but I got back up. There were times I was hopeless. When there just didn't seem to be any way out. But, I'll be ...I made it through...stronger...more confident...more stable.
So, when people look at me and say "oh, you're still a puppy...what do you know about...a b c" I just smile. And I think to myself sometimes...If these people only knew. And I am proud that they don't. That I made it through without tearing an obvious bald spot in my head or something. I laugh...I made it.
I am adding this great poem that I have hanging on my wall. Well, one of many. But it really says so much...I like the older American poetry the best by the way.
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
Berton Braley
I have had to take a break from blogging because my thoughts were in complete chaos and my spelling was horrible. The kids were sick...still are...but at least they are sleeping sick now. And momma can breathe.
Against better judgement and all advice I am continuing to take my ex back to court. The last hearing was continued for another month until April. Brilliant. And in the mean time my daughter has no resolution to the "where's my daddy" question. Okay. The entire story is much more complicated than that but there is just the outline. He doesn't want anything to do with his daughter. Well, no. As he told the magistrate..."I love my daughter but I am not putting up with this woman's shit anymore."...Yes, he said that. In a courtroom. Really. I think my eyes were huge. I don't think cussing at the judge wins you any brownie points superhero.
Since my last post I have fallen off the Jeff wagon twice. Sigh. But, I don't really feel bad about it. Maybe I need a sponsor for my JA addiction. :)
And my work schedule has just changed to some crazy hours.
But still, ok. OKAY. I'm okay. Well, no.
Has anyone else contemplated just getting a live in for the sheer convenience of it? Not that I have a perspective partner or anything like that. But this winter has really kicked my skinny little self.
In the middle of that contemplation I realized something. I don't want someone else nosing around in my life. I like my life. Just want a little help once and a while. But maybe I am just wanting too much. I can't picture being with anyone seriously. I just can't. Every time I start to picture my life with someone I think about how my life will change and I don't feel like I have any more to give to another person.
I have had a lot of faith crisis lately. Had to take a few steps back and remember the simple things that REALLY matter.
My mind is very cluttered with the big things, well, with all things. Most people think in lines or even circles...I think in polka dots.
But through the last few weeks I have learned sooo many truths. One, just because you want to make something better for your children, doesn't mean it will happen. Sometimes, my little ones are going to have to be disappointed. They are going to have to live with that. They are going to have my help but they must ultimately learn to heal and move on themselves. Two, my actions are their reactions. They learn everything from me. I am the one person that they rely on to teach them the things in life they will need to have to be happy and well adjusted women (oh, my, my babies are going to be WOMEN someday !).
Three, Even in my lowest, sickest, most depressed sad moment, I still have two lives depending on me and me alone. I cannot fail. I will not fail THEM. I still have the ability to get up and take care of them. For that I am thankful.
Four, God will take care of everything in His own time. I forget that sometimes. I get impatient and frustrated. I forget that my life is on His timeline. I have lessons to learn, joys to experience, hurts to get over. But that is part of His plan for me and my life. I don't know where it leads. But I have to follow my heart and trust in something greater than myself.
I am a firm believer in the fact that you are never given more than you can handle. And, surprisingly, I haven't been given anything that I can't handle. There were times when life brought me to my knees, but I got back up. There were times I was hopeless. When there just didn't seem to be any way out. But, I'll be ...I made it through...stronger...more confident...more stable.
So, when people look at me and say "oh, you're still a puppy...what do you know about...a b c" I just smile. And I think to myself sometimes...If these people only knew. And I am proud that they don't. That I made it through without tearing an obvious bald spot in my head or something. I laugh...I made it.
I am adding this great poem that I have hanging on my wall. Well, one of many. But it really says so much...I like the older American poetry the best by the way.
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
Berton Braley
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Valley of Doubt
When some of us feel that God doesn't love us or can't use us...Remember...Noah was a drunk...Abraham was too old...Isaac was a daydreamer...Jacob was a liar...Leah was ugly...Joseph was abused...Moses had a stuttering problem...Gideon was afraid...Samson had long hair and was a womanizer...Rahab was a prostitute...Jeremiah and Timothy were too young...David had an affair and was a murderer...Elijiah was suicidal...Isaiah preached naked...Jonah ran from God...Naomi was a widow...Job went bankrupt...John the Baptist ate bugs...Peter denied Christ...The disciples fell asleep while praying...Martha worried about everything...The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once...Zaccheus was too small...Paul was too religious...Timothy had an ulcer...and Lazarus was DEAD...We have no excuses when we think God can't use us or love us...besides...we aren't the message just the messengers.
Just a thought.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
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